Spoke In The Wheel

It's my (birthday) party

2009-09-04T21:49:00.002-04:00

... and I'll cry if I want to. OK, I'm not crying today, but it's the first day in a couple of weeks. Been too swamped with work to think straight. Missed bedtime with Jude more than a few nights and I'm working from home in the same apartment. Awful. Trying to keep my head above water and keep this paycheck coming in.

Life lessons

2009-08-09T12:46:00.002-04:00

I've been in Rhode Island this weekend visiting my in-laws. One of the nice things about visiting family is the built-in babysitting. Matthew and I had "date night" on Friday after we bathed and put Jude to bed. We went up to Federal Hill and walked around. It's a very old Italian part of Providence that has been revamped in recent years and lots of restaurants and shops have moved in and revitalised the area. We has a great time people watching and window shopping.

We came upon a clothing store that we hadn't seen before (which blows my mind since we later found out it's been there for 9 years) and went in to check it out. The atmosphere was super cool and edgy, really well decorated with funky style. There were vintage chandeliers and old hat stands, all the makings of a chic boutique. Definitely not your mall clothing store.

The clothing was amazing. As we looked through the racks there were coats, tops, sweaters, skirts, even hats that really blew us away. After about 10 minutes Matthew said, "Do you see any tags on these pieces? I think these are all in-house!" He was right. Every piece was designed and handmade by the store. Amazing clothing. The detail and thought put into those clothes was obvious.

We ended up talking to the salesman, who we found out was one of the designers. He was soft-spoken and appreciated compliments on his work. We admired his work for about 20 minutes, I mused about what I'd love to wear once I shed the 30 nagging lbs I've been meaning to lose since before Jude was born. We laughed a little and talked about a '20s inspired cutaway coat... and then he saw my arm. He saw my tattoo. He said, "Oh, how lovely. Are you a seamstress?"

And my heart sank. "No," I said. "Not at the moment." I wanted to cry. That's not a very good example to set for my son. Set goals, dream big, let it fall by the wayside when life takes over. I need to set a better example. Lead by example. All talk is no way to be.

drone

2009-07-28T12:55:00.003-04:00

Work. Is. Not. Fun.

My workload increased recently and it's prohibiting me from writing like I want to. It's prohibiting me from hanging out with rapidly growing Jude all day like I want to.

A paycheck is good. A paycheck is good. A paycheck is good.

So close, and yet so far

2009-07-13T17:42:00.002-04:00

Some people do well in chaos. I am not one of those people. We've been in our new apartment for a week, but we're not fully unpacked yet. We have a desk to sell, a trunk to move to a friend's apartment, 2 closets to clean, and about 4 boxes to unpack. We're close, but we're not there yet.

Poor Duke is confused. He's not good with stairs and we live on the 3rd floor. It's not any sort of physical limitation. It's confusion. He can't figure out how not to trip going up the stairs and how not to go too fast going down. He has a tendency to whack his muzzle a few times a day.

When I said we have 2 closets to clean, it's not that we need to organize them. It's that we literally need to clean them. You see, the previous tenants were here for 12 years. They spent those 12 years chain smoking and not wiping the garbage juice off the wall where they tossed things into the can and didn't quite make it. All the walls were washed and painted twice before we moved in - that got rid of the smoke smell. The windows were washed 4x and still aren't crystal clear. The nicotine staining on the intercom plate was so thick we thought it was brown plastic. It's white. Eww.

So yeah, we need to clean the closets. The walls need a scrub and a coat of paint. Once that's done we can move things into them and get the last boxes out of the living room. I really hope we can get that done soon.

After that's taken care of we need to figure out what to do with a pair of skis and 2 golf bags. Not exactly Brooklyn apartment type sports equipment, but we're slightly unconventional.

Oh, how things solidify

2009-07-08T21:24:00.002-04:00

Here is something that isn't talked about very often among people who don't have kids, but discussed at length among those who do - poop. Specifically the change in poop when going from breastmilk only to breastmilk + solid foods. Consistency, color, stink potency... it all changes.

This is enthusiastically talked about between parents. There is much excitement surrounding the topic. Parents of older children pipe up and reminisce about their own kids' poops from back in the day. Parents of younger children add anecdotes about the recent changes in their babies' diaper regions. This astounds me... and thrills me because the poop changes in this household have been amazing and I love chatting about it with people who understand the gravity of this monumental shift.

Too funny. Parenting is too funny. Kinda gross, but really hilarious.

We're in

2009-07-06T20:38:00.002-04:00

We did it. We moved. We're in the midst of unpacking everything and determining the best room layouts, but we're here. So is the new flat screen LCD TV we bought yesterday. It's amazing how much room our old tube TV takes up compared to this sleek, modern beauty. HD is nothing to sneeze at, either!

I hope to post some pictures of the new place soon. It's a bit of a mess still and I need to get a shower. Jude managed to fling carrot/apple puree (yes, he's eating solids now, and yes I'm making them) at me when he grabbed the spoon I was deftly slipping into his mouth earlier. Motherhood is sticky.

How was your 4th of July weekend?

Took long enough...

2009-06-30T15:17:00.002-04:00

Congratulations, Senator Franken.

Clean it up

2009-06-29T11:46:00.003-04:00

But, make sure you use OxiClean. Or maybe KaBoom. Perhaps OrangeGlo. R.I.P., Billy Mays.

Also, R.I.P. Bernie Madoff's days as a free man. YES! Have fun rotting in your cell, you worthless bastard.

Is it really true?

2009-06-25T19:35:00.002-04:00

Is Michael Jackson dead? I've heard conflicting reports. Coma? Maybe?

I'd like to say I'm saddened by the news... but I can't. I'm interested in it and I'm a little weirded out by it, but there's no sadness hiding in there anywhere. Not sure if that makes me callous or if it's just a distressing statement about our celebrity obsessed culture.

If the MJ of the 70s, the MJ of the Jackson Five had died I'd be sad. But, the 2009 Wacko Jacko died. Somehow that's just strange.

The club

2009-06-21T11:52:00.003-04:00

Happy Father's Day to the best Daddy I know. I hope you enjoy being a member of the club and that fatherhood is everything you expected and brings you joys you never knew could be.

Keep on flexing those Dad muscles. Jude and I both think you're the strongest man in the universe.

OK, I am not freaking out

2009-06-18T22:22:00.002-04:00

Omigod, I'm moving. Crap. I mean, YAY! But, also crap.

I've been cobbling together a collection of moving boxes from people giving them away on Freecycle. Moving is expensive, so every cent I can save us is a cent we *might* be able to put toward using a moving company. We've always moved ourselves in the past, but we're in our 30s, we have a baby, and we have a sleeper sofa. That's reason enough to hire the big guns to tote our heavies for us. Fingers crossed that I can scrape the requisite dough together.

Breathing easier

2009-06-15T17:00:00.003-04:00

Just got an email from the landlord of the apartment we looked at last week. It's ours! Jude's own bedroom, a working fireplace, original wood floors, a stove that no one else has ever cooked on, and a skylight in the bathroom. Heaven! Thanks for all the good apartment hunting vibes, they paid off!

Take the chance, do something goofy

2009-06-15T13:45:00.003-04:00

Yesterday we drove 3 hours to have dinner with my in-laws on a whim. Yep. We went to southern Rhode Island to our favorite seafood place and Jude got his first taste of the beach. My in-laws were thrilled and we got the chance to show Jude the ocean.

We were a little crazy for doing it, but it was a great day spent with our family and totally worth the hassle. I fully endorse breaking up your daily routine with something totally unexpected every once in awhile. You might just end up with a whole bucket of memories you never anticipated.

No, we didn't make him ride in the trunk. Not that you can tell that from this photo.

Shuffle your feet

2009-06-12T15:07:00.002-04:00

I hate moving. I despise it with every fiber of my being. I hate the sorting, the pressure to purge, the heart wrenching decisions about what hits the donation/recycling/trash bins and what makes the move to the next apartment. The packing sucks, the compartmentalizing of lives lived in a space. It's an upsetting process.

We have to move. We have been in this apartment for 4 years and we have to leave it. Our landlords' father passed away and her mother can't live alone, so they need our apartment for her. I understand fully that family comes first, of course, so I hold no ill will for our landlords. It's not their first choice of situations for us to move out and the mom to move in. Our landlords are not qualified caregivers and they also aren't keen on losing the income from our rent, but what needs to be done must be done.

The thought of leaving our neighborhood is too much to bear, so we've decided that we need to stay close. We've been looking for a month, we've seen 8 places now. Last night was the first time we saw one that we loved without hesitation. It's only one block from our place now, it's in a brownstone, pet-friendly, rent within our budget, a bedroom for Jude, a brand new kitchen, a working fireplace (!), and a new bathroom. It also has lots of original details from when the bldg was built in the 1920s. Gorgeous. We put in an application on the spot last night. I hope we get the place. We're up against the 3 other people who were seeing it after us last night, so my fingers are crossed that we made a good enough impression on the landlord when we met with him.

Is moving this stressful for everyone? I feel like my life is about to be uprooted... and if we get this place we'll only be moving one block away!

Jude's Tuesday night bath

2009-06-09T20:06:00.001-04:00

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Yawn

2009-06-03T21:56:00.002-04:00

Working full time and being a parent of a 3 month old is hard. It's great, but it's really hard. I'm trying to nurture as much of me the individual as I can, but there are challenges every step of the way these days. I sort of miss me.

Tidbits

2009-05-26T21:40:00.002-04:00

Confessions of a new mom:

I think my baby is cuter than your baby no matter what.
Sometimes I look at him and I wonder if I can be a good mom and a "cool" mom at the same time.
I know, without a doubt, that I would sacrifice my life for his in a heartbeat if I needed to.
Contrary to popular belief, a mother doesn't love every last detail of her child - his poop is the nastiest substance I have ever come across.
I wonder if I will ever get a chance at a full night's sleep again. If it happens I wonder if I'll be able to enjoy it.
I look forward to the time when I can have a conversation with him, but I am apprehensive about not having all the answers to his questions.
I have a small and silly fear that he will be smarter than me. I also hope that's the case, even though I won't like it much at first.
I still cry on occasion because my body is not my own and won't be again until he's no longer breastfeeding. I mourn the loss of my individual self while I celebrate the arrival of my mother self.
I get a kick out of picking his little nose when he's got a visible booger.
I was relieved when the surgeon announced he was a boy at his birth because I thought a boy would be easier... I know how much of a pain in the ass I was as a girl and I dreaded a mini-me.
I laugh often because his tiny feet smell like adult feet, just tiny.
Matthew and I joke that he'll grow up to be our total opposite - a jock with no interest in art or literature... and we both secretly harbor a real fear that it might just happen.
His eyes haven't set their color yet, but I hope they're green like my mom's.
I want to have another child someday, but I don't know if I can love any other baby like I love this one.

So small and so big

2009-05-22T11:05:00.002-04:00

(Photo courtesy of Justine Cooper Photography)

My son is small. He's tiny, in fact. He's perfectly normal size for his age, but perfectly normal for a 10 week old baby is quite small. His size makes me at once small and big. I've never felt smaller or bigger, in fact.

When he smiles at me I feel like a giant, as if I can conquer anything - invincible. I feel 20' tall and as strong as 10 men. He makes me feel bigger than I really am.

But, when I put him back to bed after nursing him in the wee hours of the night I look at him sleeping in his crib, breathing in and out, and I feel so small. I am humbled and awe struck, I feel even smaller than his tiny body in those moments.

I suppose this is parenthood - the big and the small of it all.

Wish me luck and cross your fingers for me

2009-05-20T14:54:00.003-04:00

I'm going to look at an apartment tonight. Well, Jude and I are going to look at an apartment. It's only a block from our place now and it's got a brand new kitchen! It has a dishwasher! A dishwasher, people. Theoretically I could have a dishwasher that's not named Matthew.

It's $200 more per month than our current place, but the kitchen is totally renovated and it's a 2 bedroom. We're in a 1 bedroom now and it works, but how much longer will it work with all 3 of us in the same room? TMI Alert: I love being that close to Jude, but Mommy & Daddy are adults in an adult relationship. It's kind of hard to get into things when you know there's a baby in that crib 5 feet from your bed... if you catch my drift. This kidlet has been around for almost 10 weeks now. Mommy needs some lovin' and the day shift hasn't been working lately.

Another bonus: the bldg has 4 units and each tenant has a dog! The owner was super nice on the phone, so I am really hoping this is the place for us. It would be a HUGE weight off my mind.

So, send some love my way and cross those fingers for me.

2009-05-18T18:40:00.001-04:00

And this is why you shouldn't run red lights.

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2009-05-18T18:39:00.001-04:00

This is why you shouldn't speed.

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Friends are good things to have

2009-05-14T11:33:00.002-04:00

Jude has a buddy. That's him on the left. They just happened to match the other day. Freaking cute, right?

It's good to have friends. They're invaluable. They keep you sane when things swirl around. They make you laugh when you're blue. They keep you company when you're lonely. They prop you up when you're too tired to stand. Friends are crucial.

I miss my friends these days. They're not gone. I'm not gone. Things are just different, that's all. I think I don't get as many phone calls and hangouts because people don't know how to incorporate Melissa The Mom into social gatherings. Melissa The Mom is different. She has a kid. Does the baby come along? Does she need to make sure Matthew is home to watch the baby? Can they both come? Do they have a sitter? Does she even want to hang out since she's on baby duty and breastfeeding demands a pretty tight schedule? How do I relate to her now that she's a parent? What can I talk to her about besides the baby?

I think these are all valid questions, but I wish there could be a dialogue about them instead of this open-ended hiatus. The questions don't get asked and I feel strange calling people up and saying, "Hi, I think you might think I can't hang out or maybe I don't want to, but that's not the case." I'd love to go get a cup of coffee or catch a movie. I just need to plan a little more for it now. As long as I can either bring Jude or make sure there is enough pumped breastmilk in the fridge being social is no hassle. It's just different. Like everything else. Things are different.

Friends are good things to have. I miss mine.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to... oh damnit

2009-05-11T16:02:00.002-04:00

I start back to work a week from today. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I am less than thrilled about it, to say the least. I'm trying to be positive, but it's hard. It feels completely wrong to be leaving my 2 month old baby to go sit in a cubicle. Luckily, I was able to negotiate a schedule where I work partially from home, which eases the blow, but doesn't keep me from taking the brunt of the hit. At least there's that.

What's stressing me out also is that we found out this weekend we have to move. Our landlord needs our apartment for her mother (father passed away, mom can't live alone, very sad story) and we need to find another place to live. We have a good amount of time - our lease isn't up until December - but the sooner, the better for all parties involved. We absolutely adore our home - it's not just some random apartment, this is our home and has been for 3 years now.

We're going to meet a broker this afternoon and see a few places, but my hopes are not high. I need to get into a better frame of mind and I need to do it quickly. My attitude right now feels terrible and I really want to shake this negativity.

One last thing - I stupidly ate alfredo sauce last night and Jude has a cow's milk allergy. I can't believe I ate it and didn't even think about the cream in it. So stupid! No wonder the poor thing was up every hour last night. He must have felt awful! Nothing like realizing you're the cause of your child's discomfort. Way to go, momma. Sheesh.

Couldn't help myself

2009-05-07T21:14:00.002-04:00

What fun is being a parent if you can't mildly torture your child now and then?

He hates these right now... but maybe when the sun comes out he'll gain a new appreciation for them. Kind of pointless to try them on him inside... in the evening... when it was raining.

Matthew and I had a huge argument tonight. So stupid. We're both too tired and a bit raw, we really should know better. Everything is fine, but we both yelled and it felt terrible. Kissing and making up is wonderful, though.

2009-05-05T13:40:00.001-04:00

Jude loves his new pal - the light up sea horse. Mom loves that it helps this fussy boy fall asleep.

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Please Keep Birth Centers Open!

2009-05-05T10:25:00.002-04:00

THIS is an important petition to keep birth centers open. Medicaid no longer covers births in birth centers - only in hospitals. This means that birth centers have to make up the lost revenue from Medicaid births elsewhere... and many have closed since they are unable to find money where none exists. This leaves women in many communities with little choice about the place of their births and the quality of their birth experience.

*thud* That's me stepping off my soap box. I'll gladly get back up on it if anyone wants more information, though.

2009-04-28T20:33:00.001-04:00

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New haircut

2009-04-28T13:46:00.001-04:00

It's hot in Brooklyn these days. So, this morning I took scissors to my hair. I'm a mama pixie now.

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Out and about... sans kidlet

2009-04-27T13:11:00.004-04:00

On Saturday night we celebrated our anniversary, even though it was technically the next day. My amazing sister in law was in town and she babysat Jude while we went to dinner at a lovely little Italian resto in the 'hood. It was so hard to leave that little bean! I knew he was in the most capable hands (she's a kindergarten teacher and she is beyond fabulous with babies), yet I was nervous.

My sister in law is the only person I'm comfortable leaving Jude with at this point. As much as I love my friends and family, she's still the only one Matthew and I feel good about when it comes to watching our 6 week old tiny package of poo and goo. I'm hoping this will change soon... she lives in Boston!! It's kind of hard to call in the sitter from 4 hours away. Lucky for me she'll be here for the months of July and August staying with us.

Those of you with kids - how long did it take until you were comfy (or at least not *totally* against) leaving your kids with friends/a sitter? I'm really thrilled we went out alone because we needed to celebrate the first year of our marriage without the distraction of Jude for an evening and we had a wonderful time. But, I can't see that becoming a regular pattern because I'm still uneasy about leaving him. I've got to get comfortable with trusting other people with my child or I run the risk of becoming one of *those* moms. You know the type - helicopters - they hover and hover and never leave the kid alone. I do not want that AT ALL. Maybe we should start with short amounts of time (and hour or so?) and work up to longer stretches (dinner and a movie?). Thoughts? Advice?

P.S. It's absolutely gorgeous in Brooklyn today. Jude and I took Duke for a walk... Duke went a block and sat down as if on strike. He hates, I mean hates, the heat. It was 78 at the time and he was done. Wait until it's 90 later today - oh whatever will that pooch do? The horror.

Momming is weird. It's wonderful, totally wonderful, but man oh man, it's weird!!

dates...

2009-04-26T19:02:00.002-04:00

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It's my wedding anniversary today. One year. Jude is 6 weeks old. We really didn't waste any time!!

Mmm

2009-04-20T16:35:00.001-04:00

The perils of playing with a baby too soon after he eats. You could end up wearing his dinner.

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Coming to a theater near you

2009-04-15T00:06:00.003-04:00

The international cinematic release of Jude's First Bath.

The wheels on the car go round and round...

2009-04-13T14:20:00.002-04:00

We took Jude on his first road trip this weekend. We went to my in-laws' in Rhode Island. Since we drive a VW Jetta and not a mini van or similar vehicle with 3 rows of seats Jude and Duke had to share the backseat. This meant hooking up a mirror to the back headrest so I could see Jude and could mediate when Duke got a little too curious. He loves to smell the baby! It went surprisingly well. Duke liked to sleep with his head in Jude's carseat, which didn't seem to bother Jude one bit.

Matthew's extended family got to meet the baby and that was the big deal of the weekend. He was a hit with everyone.

I'm really glad to be back. It's nice to see family, but it's nicer to be home. Last night Jude slept like a dream child - 4 hours in a stretch - so, we think he's happy to be back in Brooklyn, too.

***********************************************
P.S. There's a post forthcoming about breastfeeding and all that comes with it - the good, the bad, and the milky - and I'd love to get your perspective. Did you breastfeed your kids? Do you have a staunch stance one way or another on breastmilk vs. formula? Did it come naturally to you? What is your opinion on mothers who breastfeed in public? Did you go back to work and pump while at work? Any other personal anecdotes or opinions would be greatly appreciated, so feel free to leave me a comment or drop me an email - you can click the link on the right sidebar.

2009-04-09T21:43:00.001-04:00

But Daddy, I don't know if this mohawk is really my style.

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Ah, a sunny Sunday

2009-04-05T19:30:00.006-04:00

The park was teeming with life today. People from all over Brooklyn came to Prospect Park to welcome Spring to the borough. Frisbee, kickball, volleyball, cricket, and football were the choice games of the day from what we could tell.

Although, tree climbing was a much more popular activity with the younger set. Take a look at this photo. Notice the height of the tree. Notice the kids *in* the tree. Matthew said this must be where they grow the kids.

The best part was all the parents standing under the tree watching carefully, but not in an overly concerned way. These kids knew what they were doing and they were being good little monkey children. No padded playgrounds needed. No anti-bacterial hand wipes were waiting for the kids once they came back down to earth. They were just fine and they had a blast. You could hear the giggling across the field - it sounded great.

Jude liked the park. Well, he liked eating in the park. We took a thin, gauzy blanket and I used it as a drape and fed him right there. Consider my public breastfeeding anxiety gone. It was silly anyway. Breasts actually serve a purpose. It's a shame our society doesn't always embrace that. I'm not out there flashing my boobies around, I'm feeding my son with them. If anyone has a problem with that I'll kindly refer them to their own mother for counsel.

2009-04-05T00:24:00.001-04:00

The funniest thing of the past 23 days by far.

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2009-04-04T17:47:00.001-04:00

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So tired

2009-04-04T17:25:00.003-04:00

The past couple nights Jude has reverted to his first week nighttime behavior pattern. Which means that he will sleep for 3-4 hours at a time during the day, no matter how hard we try to keep him awake, and then at night he'll be awake for 2 hours at a time, 30 minutes of that he's nursing, and the other 90 minutes are spent either staring wide-eyed at Matthew and me or screaming inconsolably.

It's so hard when your child is crying and you have no idea what to do to help. Jude scrunches up his face and he looks at me pleadingly with those huge, dark, tear-filled eyes and I just want to die because I can't make the bad stuff go away.

Everything you try seems fruitless. Shhhh-ing will work for 5 minutes and then just when you think he's drifting off to dreamland the screaming starts up again. Swaddling will work for a little while, but then teeny weeny Houdini wiggles his way free just enough to have a tiny arm flail up in the air and jolt himself out of sleepiness. Walking around the apartment while bouncing and singing is a miracle cure... as long as the walking and singing never stops.

This is what life is like with a 3 week old baby. It's typical. It's totally normal and everyone struggles with this stage.

If only knowing that made it even one bit easier.

2009-04-02T10:24:00.001-04:00

Baby hiccups are hilarious.

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2009-04-01T17:44:00.001-04:00

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L-O-V-E

2009-03-30T00:37:00.003-04:00

Thump.

Thump. Thump.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

That's my heart thumping. It's bigger than it used to be. Each time I see my guys my heart swells up so big that it breaks a little. It breaks the tiniest bit every single time I lay eyes on these two. Then, when it repairs itself like any good muscle will do it's a bit bigger than it was before.

At this rate I'll need to gain back that pregnancy weight just to give my body some more space for my heart to spread out.

2009-03-26T22:21:00.001-04:00

To embarrass him later in life... Almost naked 2 week old Jude.

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This face says "mischief"

2009-03-25T14:45:00.002-04:00

Jude. 13 days old. Incredible.

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The best laid plans...

2009-03-22T12:34:00.009-04:00

I want to write about Jude's birth. It's important to me to set it to words in this space. It will be a reminder for me of what I went through and how much hard work it took to get that little bean into the world. Everyone worked hard - Jude, me, Matthew, my sister in law, my parents, our doula, our friends. To say that it didn't go as planned would be the mildest way of putting it.

I labored at home for 24 hours. Matthew and I counted contractions for a day and then called our doula. We headed to the hospital 12 hours later and had to wait for a couple of hours to be checked in because all the rooms were taken. Nothing like leaking amniotic fluid and having very painful contractions in a waiting room. Nothing like it.

Several hours later we got a labor and delivery room. My contractions got progressively more intense and I was still only dilated a couple of centimeters. It stayed that way for a few hours. My midwife talked to us about using some meds to get my cervix in better shape to get the baby out because nature was not cooperating - I was having transitional contractions but I still wasn't dilated more than a couple of centimeters. She knew we wanted a natural birth and she gave my body lots of time to see if we could overcome what obstacles stood in the way, but it wasn't working. Cervadil, then pitocin, then an epidural... all things that I was staunchly against going into the birth. My contractions were so hard and fast I was exhausted and they were afraid I would have nothing left when it finally came time to push the baby out.

After 48 hours of labor it turns out that I had a dysfunctional labor because of cervical swelling (I finally got up to 7 centimeters, but then became very swollen and got back down to 4 centimeters). At that point I was getting into a high risk category and a c-section became the only option. It was my worst nightmare before labor started. I did everything to avoid it. My midwife gave me a lot of time to see if my body could overcome, but there was no chance. She explained everything and we both cried about it. I was so upset. She was upset for me. Everyone knew it wasn't what I wanted, but we all knew that the only real goal was to get the baby out safely. If we waited much longer both of us would be in danger.

Matthew got ready to come with me to the operating room. Our midwife helped him put on the scrubs and mask. His cool checkered Vans slipped into the shoe covers and he was ready - more or less. He prepared himself to see his wife and the mother of his child get cut open on the table. He always said he thought he would have made a good doctor... but he said later that he could never detach enough from the patient to cut into them.

So I had a c-section. At 2:48 on 3/12 Jude came into the world and my surgeon passed him through a hole he cut in the drape so I could be the first one to kiss him. The surgeon said he wanted me to be able to kiss the baby first, that just because I didn't push the baby out didn't mean I wasn't the mommy. That meant so much to me. He told me we had a boy and I got to give little, slimy Jude his first smooch.

The surgery was frightening and I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia - I got the shakes very badly and couldn't control the upper half of my body. I was twitching and jerking and it was very scary. I knew I was in good hands and that Jude was in good hands, but that was the hardest experience of my life.

In the end, we got our son. That's all that counts. I came to grips with all the medical intervention and was actually grateful for it afterward when my midwife told me how close I was to something disastrous. She explained that when you hear about women in remote areas developing fistulas they most often result from the exact scenario that played out for me. Except, those women don't have medical care, so the option of a c-section doesn't exist. If I were one of them I would have likely died. Matthew just kept saying, "I know you don't want to hear this, but we can make another baby but I can't make another you. I can't go through this life without you, so this surgery is what needs to happen. Please." That was all I needed to hear.

And when Jude cried for the first time and I heard that tiny voice coming from across the OR I knew we did the right thing. I tried and Jude tried and we did our best. All that counts is that we made it through and our family is at home, happy and healthy. The poopy diapers and the sleepless nights, the spit up and the endless burpings, the coos and cries, the sore nipples and the achy belly - it's all worth it. It's all worth it and I'd do it again tomorrow if it meant my little family would be as happy as we are right now.

Life awaits. The future is here. The three of us will face it together. Hey, ho! Let's go! As Matthew says, Ramones fans are born, not made.

2009-03-20T15:00:00.001-04:00

Yet another Jude pic. I can't help myself. Day 8 and a little deeper in love than the day before.

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Nice 'do.

2009-03-15T20:50:00.003-04:00

Jude. Day 4. On the nursing pillow. Hanging out. Making his mom cry and laugh and stare in amazement at the same time.

And look at that hair!! I was bald as a cue ball as a baby. I guess he gets the hair from his dad. I kept joking before he was born that if the baby was a boy he'd come out with a full beard. Almost. I still can't believe I got my boy. He's healthy and happy and that's all that matters.

2009-03-15T10:35:00.001-04:00

Morning, day 4. Asleep with his mouth open. Looking exactly like his father. I'm completely in love with them both.

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2009-03-13T14:43:00.001-04:00

Meet Jude. 48 hours of labor and one c-section later he's here. I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but this boy is worth all of it.

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Where there's a Will...

2009-03-10T07:49:00.001-04:00

I wrote our Last Will and Testament recently. It includes very little about assets (pretty easy to gloss over that part when you don't have many of them) and details about things that are so adult and mature and responsible they make my head spin. Things like who will be our child's guardian if something catastrophic were to happen to both Matthew and me? Who will be the executor of our will/estate? Who will be the secondary guardian if something catastrophic happens to the primary guardian? What do we want our advanced healthcare directive to say? When do we want artificial life support and when do we want nature to take its course (previously this was very cut & dried for me... but previously I didn't have a baby on the way - that changes everything)? These are things that are important to get into writing, even though the mere thought is extremely painful.

I wrote it out while Matthew was at a meeting and then we went over it when he got home. It's so basic, it hardly took any time at all, but it was tough to do. Our only assets as 30-somethings who rent our home are our car, M's guitars, and my retirement accounts. Not much when you add it all up. The easy part was thinking about who would get what should we both die. That took all of 5 minutes. The difficult part was typing out who would care for our child if we're both gone. The answer to that question is so obvious that it took a split second to make, but it took about half an hour and many lumps in the throat to type up.

Understatement: It's hard to think about your own mortality. It's even harder to think about not being around to raise your unborn child. Does it get heavier than that? I don't think so. Sitting down and writing up the plan for your child's care if you're dead is an awful thing to have to do. But it had to be done. No question about it. It wouldn't be right for us to skip along willy nilly and not have anything in writing - it would be irresponsible.

So, after our very adult evening spent writing up our Will we had a very adult conversation with 2 of our best friends this past weekend. Conveniently, they're married to each other, so that works out well. One was asked to be our executor and the other was asked to be the secondary guardian (in case my sister in law, the primary guardian, isn't around) with the understanding that they act as a partnership and do both as a team. We cried about it, we laughed about it, and then we ate lunch. They were honored and we were relieved and now it all feels exactly as it did before - we always assumed these friends would take care of our kid if we kicked it, but assuming and knowing are two different things. It's important to have it in writing and have the understanding out in the open.

I encourage you to write up a little something about what you'd like to happen if something awful were to happen to you even if you don't have children. It's amazing how emotions cloud family members' judgment when catastrophe comes calling and it's better for all involved to lay it out on paper. It's no picnic to do, but you'll be glad you did.

Operation: Mind Off Labor

2009-03-09T12:32:00.004-04:00

(disclaimer: those are not my feet, although I wish they were)

I slept for an ungodly 11 hours last night. Apparently I needed the rest. It was a good thing since I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of weeks. I'd get comfortable and start to nod off, but then have to shift my hips because I had sciatica pain or the baby's position was making it hard for me to get a full breath of air. Just super fun late term pregnancy stuff. But last night? Last night I slept like I was going for the gold. Snoozed like a log. Pretty awesome stuff.

Today my mission is to occupy my time with things that don't have anything to do with babies or being pregnant. I'm trying to keep my mind off of my mounting frustration with labor starting and stopping, so I'm going to get some loose ends tied up and slip a little pampering into the schedule, too.

First on the list was to find out how to finalize my short term disability claim once the baby is born (Yes, that's how my employer does maternity leave, folks... it's a short term disability claim for a fraction of my pay - makes new moms feel awesome! I can't wait to be disabled. Groan.) I got my claim # and filed all that stuff away, so that's one thing checked off the list.

Next was to make an appointment to get a pedicure. Oh, the life! I got a gift certificate for my birthday back in September and have been saving it for a rainy day. Well, it's grey and kinda rainy out there and my feet could use some beautifying. So, in a couple of hours I'll hop on the subway and head to one of my favorite parts of Brooklyn to get my feet "all cuted up" for free at an adorable little salon.

On the way home, if I'm not totally wiped out in the energy department I'll stop by the library and return a DVD (woefully overdue - I've become that person!) and maybe check out a book or two.

Later on tonight I'll patch a pair of Matthew's jeans (yes, we're jeans patchers... he has his favorite pairs and they tend to wear out in choice spots - prime patching opportunities abound in this household), maybe check out online what exhibits are coming up at the Brooklyn Library, then have some friends over for dinner. That sounds like a pretty full day. A full day of stuff not having to do with fixating on labor and delivery.

We'll see how it all goes.

Get it?

2009-03-08T15:19:00.003-04:00

Matthew took this photo yesterday. We've been saying how funny it would be to get a pic of the bump under the BUMP sign for months now. Good thing we finally took one. No clue how much longer there will be a bump instead of a baby. Been having contractions on and off since last week. Really looking forward to actual labor. Since Thursday I've been 1 centimeter dilated and in a holding pattern. I've been trying to keep my mind off of things as much as possible, but it's hard. Being calm and letting go of anxiety when every move you make is uncomfortable is not easy.

Orange you glad I didn't say "banana"?

2009-03-05T13:46:00.002-05:00

This was taped in my neighborhood this week. Not just in my 'hood, on my block. Too funny. This is the kind of zany thing that makes me love Brooklyn even more.

By the way, I totally missed my 4 year blogiversary last month. So yeah, been spewing my own brand of nonsense across cyberspace for 4 years now.

I know you didn't just toss that.

2009-03-03T12:57:00.004-05:00

Lyn reminded me of something I meant to write about here last week and then life got in my way. Let's hop in the way-back machine and go to last Wednesday. I'll set the scene...

I was walking to the subway around 4PM to go into Manhattan to get a massage. Have I mentioned that my massage therapist is also my doula? It's such a sweet deal. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I was walking to the train and it was broad daylight. For some reason, that strikes me as a very important part of the story. Broad daylight, folks. I was headed down the block and a teenager approaching from the opposite direction took the last sip from his Snapple bottle, put the cap back on, and when he was about 10' from me he tossed it on the ground.

He. Tossed. It. On. The. Ground.

This goes back to the broad daylight comment - it was not dark, it was not in a bad part of town, the kid was not the only person on the block at the time. In fact, there was a middle aged man walking right behind him who said nothing. The man said not a word. So, if you know anything about me at all, you know that I 1) cry at the drop of a hat, 2) really hate puking, and 3) believe wholeheartedly that it is up to each of us as individuals to stand up and speak up when we see things happening that are not OK by our societal standards. If we don't do #3 we (the royal WE) are destined to let bad crap happen over and over until we decay into the kind of people none of us want to be.

Again, back to the matter at hand. The young man tossed his bottle on the ground and I look to the older man to say something. I wasn't looking for an out, I just happen to think that perhaps a few guiding words from an older black man would have more of an affect on a black teenaged male than those same words from a 31 yr old me. The man said nothing, so I realized quickly that it was my responsibility to speak up.

"I'm sure you accidentally dropped that bottle, my friend. I'm sure you didn't just toss that."

Silence, the kid kept walking but glanced back at me.

"You really think it's OK to toss your trash around this neighborhood? We both live here and I'll tell you right now that's not OK."

At this point people are looking at me, but no one is looking at the kid and no one is joining in what should be a chorus of sane voices speaking up against ridiculous behavior.

"Alright, I see how you want to play this one. I'll pick this up for you this time since your mother clearly isn't here to clean up after you and I refuse to live in a neighborhood covered in trash. I'm bending down now (getting louder at this point to make sure he can hear me halfway down the block) to pick up your trash. All 9 months pregnant of me, cleaning up after your sorry self. I really hope your mother doesn't know you act this way. Have a great day!"

I picked up the bottle, carried it to the corner, deposited it into someone's recycling bin and that's when I heard the laughter. There was a teenaged couple walking behind me laughing and I heard the boy say to the girl, "Yo, she picked up that fucking bottle, yo! She fucking picked that shit up! Hahahahaha!"

"It's funny to you? It's not funny to me, and it wasn't hard, either. I picked up someone else's mess because I live here. Did you grow up here? Do you want this place where you grew up to look like shit because someone else is too selfish and lazy to take care of his own business? I bet you don't. I'm sure you don't want that."

Another important note in this story is that I didn't get heated. My tone of voice was calm and assertive, but not aggressive. No use in acting like a crazy person just because I'm pissed off. You do far more good when you're calm than you do when you're irate and just screaming at folks. It's like when I need a seat on the subway because I'm hugely pregnant and people are acting like they don't notice or acting like they're sleeping (mmm hmm, both of those happen all the time). I don't get all huffy. Instead, I calmly go to the largest, strongest man sitting down and ask politely if he would mind giving me his seat. "Excuse me, sir? Would you mind if I took your seat? I hate to ask, but I'm 9 months pregnant and my balance is pretty awful." It works every time. No yelling, no crazy antics. That man (and everyone else on the train) is far more likely to notice the next pregnant woman and give her a seat instead of remembering the loony pregnant chick they saw on the train yelling at some dude.

Moral of the story? Do good, be good. When you see something that doesn't fall into either category, calmly encourage the person doing it to reconsider. You just might make a real difference. It's not as gratifying as screaming in outrage in the exact moment it's happening, but 30 seconds later you'll feel so good you might surprise yourself.

We got dumped on!

2009-03-02T09:55:00.002-05:00

We have 9 inches and It's still coming down!

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Damnit

2009-02-26T21:15:00.003-05:00

My GSB test was positive. Group B Strep is a bacteria harmless to adults that lives in the various private bits of up to 40% of women. In infants it can prove to be life threatening in rare cases. This is why pregnant women get a strep B test between 35 and 37 weeks. I had mine last week. Tonight I found out it was positive.

It's a simple enough fix - you get IV antibiotics in labor after your water breaks every 4 hours. I just really didn't want to have an IV. Luckily I'll be able to ask for a heparin lock so that they don't have to keep reinserting an IV or leave me hooked up to tubes and a pole. That means I'll still get to have the mobility I want during labor and delivery. I just don't get away with no IV as we'd hoped.

I'm still a little bummed about it, though. Nothing I did could have either prevented or brought on the strep B, so I can't feel bad about being a carrier. At least there's that.

2009-02-22T16:45:00.001-05:00

37 weeks. Could be just another week, could be a few.

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2009-02-21T17:09:00.001-05:00

Office friends threw me a shower. Look at this amazing cake. My friend made this! I cried. So thoughtful!

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I'm ok! I'm here!

2009-02-21T16:55:00.002-05:00

I got a comment from Sandra asking me how I am that made me realize I've been absent the past couple weeks. I've been beyond busy, but I'm fine! Things are good! Don't worry, there's no baby yet and there are no health problems significant enough to be concerned about. The puking on the tracks incident of the last post was a one time incident. A horrifying, embarrassing incident, but a one time thing.

We had our weekly (we're up to weekly now) midwife appointment this week and everything is great. I'm measuring a little bigger than average in the belly, so the midwife is estimating this kidlet is going to be 8lbs and change. It's what I had been thinking, too. My weight is still right on track (21 lbs). I'm doing well. The only thing that's been keeping me down this past week is the energy level (which is pretty nonexistent) and the swollen ankles. I have cankles, people! CANKLES!! All of a sudden they popped up on Wednesday and haven't gone anywhere since. Their encampment is strong. The cankles have invaded and it doesn't seem as if they're going anywhere for the next few weeks.

3 weeks from today is the baby's due date according to the sonogram from 13 weeks. 3 weeks from t-o-d-a-y. OK. I can do this. We can do this. Totally. Yep. I was built for this. It's completely OK.

Deep breaths. Big, deep, cleansing breaths.

groan

2009-02-09T14:25:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling pretty lousy. It felt like I hadn't slept much, even though I got a good night's sleep. I threw up in the sink while I was brushing my teeth, but felt like it was just a fluke, just a one time thing. I muddled through the rest of my getting ready routine and had some water and some juice, planned on getting breakfast at the office, and walked out the door.

The walk to the train was pretty uneventful. I took it slow and eventually joined the ranks of the Brooklyn straphangers waiting on the platform for the subway. Typically the trains come minutes apart, so when the wait got past the 25 minute mark I was getting antsy and really wishing I could sit down. The platform was more and more packed by the minute. I leaned forward to see if I could see the light of a train coming...

And then I puked into the tracks. Ugh. It was horrible. Loads of people around. A young mom with her baby in a stroller gave me a tissue and told me to drink lots of water very slowly so I wouldn't get dehydrated. I walked home, crying the whole way (combination of my typical reaction when I throw up and the pregnancy hormones, I'm sure), called my boss and told him I had just gotten sick on the subway platform. I've been taking it easy since then and I just ate an English muffin. Hopefully that will stay down and everything will be fine.

Just a lousy day. No big deal. 4 & 1/2 weeks left until the baby's due date predicted by my sonogram. I want those weeks to fly by!

$5 for each, madame, or 5 for $20 if you'd like

2009-02-05T13:20:00.007-05:00

I used to see this man a lot. He sold vegetable peelers in Union Square on days when the Greenmarket was open. Last year I bought 5 of them ($5 each or 5 for $20) as stocking stuffers for my family. Sounds like a goofy gift, but these particular peelers are magic. You should see the things you can do with one of these peelers!

He gave demonstrations. His hands were rough and always a bit red, especially in the cold. He wore nice suits (always a suit) and called everyone "madame" and "sir". His classy British accent made his pitch all the more compelling. His voice was deep and strong and you couldn't help but stand and listen to him awhile, even on days when you weren't going to buy a peeler.

I dropped the peeler I bought for myself behind our sink a few months back and it's hopelessly lost. Last month I was passing through Union Square and the peeler man was there. I bought a replacement. He asked me to be careful with this one and then wished me good luck with the baby. It was a brief, kind exchange.

He passed away on Sunday. He was a fixture in my personal New York City. Every person has their own version of NYC, you know. The peeler man was always part of mine. He'll continue to be part of it. Every time I peel a potato or julienne a carrot (it juliennes!) I'll think of him. I already do that. Now I'll just add a knowing smile to my little routine and he'll live on in my personal NYC forever.

"This is not your average vegetable peeler, ladies and gentlemen, I assure you. You've not seen anything like this in your homegoods shops or your corner stores. This peeler is not your typical made in China waste of money that will break on you or become dull after one use. This peeler is Swiss-crafted from stainless steel that will never go dull or leave you disappointed." Now picture him saying all of that while he peeled a potato and made a carrot garnish on the board in front of him.

Squeeze, cramp, spasm, repeat.

2009-02-04T08:43:00.001-05:00

Braxton-Hicks contractions are strange. I started having them about 2 weeks ago. The midwives say everything is A-OK in there, so I'm not worried about them. They're just strange. The first time it happened I knew right away what it was and I didn't freak out at all. I just had to lean against a gate on my walk home and take some deep breaths.

I know now all those books we've read really have sunk in. Pretty amazing. I feel we're prepared. Well, we're as prepared as we can be. Which is to say that we are well educated about childbirth and we are armed with copious information.

That wonderful education also means that we are fully prepared to know absolutely nothing once labor actually starts. Flexibility is the key. We're ready to throw it all out the window at a moment's notice and take each moment as it comes. I think that's mainly why I'm not scared. Labor doesn't scare me. Delivery doesn't scare me. I'm prepared for it to be painful and tough and amazing and beautiful and weird and disturbing and fulfilling all at the same time. Sounds simple, right? *wink*

Pardon me. I need to go rub some oil on my belly. My belly button is flush with the rest of me now and it feels like it will pop out at any moment.

2009-02-03T15:43:00.001-05:00

I love my block in the snow.

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2009-01-31T12:09:00.001-05:00

Salmon and gruyere omelette with salad and toast. This is the breakfast my husband made for us this morning. Seriously. He just whipped it up. Sure, times are tough... But when Matthew is such a whiz at using leftovers (fish and salad from dinner) it feels just fine to me. I am a lucky woman.

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He's got an ego now

2009-01-27T14:17:00.003-05:00

This morning Duke and I were out for a walk. We turned the corner right near our house and saw a small group of people standing about halfway down the block. As we got closer I noticed that one of them had a clipboard, one was wearing headphones, and one was holding a video camera. They were obviously some sort of film crew.

Then it dawned on me - This Old House is shooting right around the corner from our house and this must be their crew. They were standing across the street from the brownstone townhouse they're renovating for the show. It's the first time they've come to NYC and they chose Brooklyn... in our neighborhood... right around the corner! Just as I realized who they were they turned and saw Duke. Hilarity ensued.

Duke isn't one to blend into a crowd and there was no crowd, so he was bound to be noticed. The cameraman and another crew member immediately started talking to him and asking me what kind of dog he is and how old he is, etc, etc. Both are obvious "dog people" and Duke sensed it right away. There was much petting and rubbing and tail wagging in return. Before we knew it they were asking us if we had a few minutes to help them out with their opening shot for the show.

Watch This Old House on your local PBS station 5 weeks from now (episode 6 in this NYC series) and you'll see the Duke and I walk past the host as he gives the opening blurb about the house and what you'll see in the episode. I'm the blond wearing the black coat (which covered my PJs!!), waddling down the street. Duke is the big, orange dog.

He got so much praise just for walking a few times (several takes) that he pranced home all puffed up and proud of himself. He's been sleeping like a rock ever since, but for a brief moment, his celebrity ego was stroked and he was very lively.

I knew it would come.

2009-01-20T15:10:00.003-05:00

Today is the day Barack Hussein Obama became our president. He is everyone's president, not just those of us who voted for him. He represents us all. Hopefully he will continue his record of representing his constituency with dignity and respect.

So that was the good part.

Today is also the day Matthew lost his job. His crazy coked out boss lost it this morning and now Matthew is unemployed. His phone has been ringing off the hook ever since whether it's people from the company calling or clients or vendors. Everyone is concerned and everyone's first question is something along the lines of "What the hell did that asshole do to you?" In my estimation that pretty much sums up the situation.

So right now now he's updating his resume and networking his booty off. We are not defeated. We are not without hope. Today, President Obama took office. How could we be hopeless on a day like today? We'll get through it like the millions of other Americans who have lost their jobs in this craptastic economy. We will find the silver lining in this cloud and we will come through it with smiles on our faces, hand in hand, with a tiny tot in tow in less than 2 months. It's how we roll.

31 & 1/2 weeks

2009-01-16T18:38:00.002-05:00

31 & 1/2 weeks. Just about 2 months to go. I can't believe we're this close.

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2009-01-10T17:12:00.001-05:00

Tiny baby clothes drying on the shower rod. Does it get any better? I don't think so.

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Can't... Stop... Laughing...

2009-01-09T13:58:00.002-05:00

This is Duke this morning. He and I shared some peanut butter toast. The rest is self-explanatory.

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It has come to pass

2009-01-09T08:34:00.003-05:00

Well, he got a small portion of what his paycheck should be. So did everyone. A tiny fraction of what they're owed. He got paid pennies and yet he stayed until 9PM the other night and he's been there every day since... and he's not getting paid for it. This is not fun.

To top it all off, this morning we had a screaming fight (so rare, very unsettling) in which I behaved like a deranged child and he reacted to my insanity. Basically I couldn't get into the bathroom in time to take a shower before work and walk the dog before I left. Why not? Because my poor husband was having an unpleasant bathroom experience, if you know what I mean.

So, instead of comforting him and his overworked bowels what did I do? Oh, let's see... I screamed (screamed!) at him because I would have to go to work without a shower (even though my hair looks perfectly fine) and it's the only time all day I get to not feel like a whale and now I would be gross and unwashed all day and feel awful and my day would be ruined. Screamed. Like a banshee. It took him totally off-guard and he yelled back. He left the house in a huff and I cried so hard I barfed in the living room all over the floor and scared Duke.

The whole thing was spectacular. Spectacularly ridiculous! We talked shortly thereafter and I apologized, said I was being a spoiled baby, I didn't mean anything nasty that I said, and I should not have screamed at him like that under any circumstances. This is how wonderful my husband is - are you ready? He said, "I'm sorry, too. Let's write off this morning and move forward. I love you and you're amazing." Huh? I was a complete bitch and I'm amazing? I can't quite express how much I love this man. I acted like a wild beast, I apologized, and he said it's OK, he loves me. Yet another example of how I am the luckiest woman ever, in spite of the crap we're dealing with at the moment.

When it rains...

2009-01-06T22:26:00.003-05:00

It's pouring.

My husband will likely lose his job by the end of January. This is mainly due to the fact that his boss is an absolute failure in life and does far too much coke to succeed in anything. Unless a miracle happens my husband will not get his paycheck this week and neither will the 25 people he works with. That includes men who commute from the Bronx to make $12/hr to support their families, a Polish couple who have worked there since they came to this country years ago, hardworking people. His boss's response when asked what these employees are supposed to do without their paychecks was, "They should have a savings and not live paycheck to paycheck." This is precisely how far outside reality this man lives. A savings?

My maternity leave, which I thought was going to be 12 weeks, is actually only 6... at 66% of my pay. This doesn't seem remotely OK to me. 6 weeks? I work for a health and wellness company! A health and wellness company should know that 6 weeks is a joke. I'm not covered under FMLA because I won't have been with my employer for 12 months by the time I take my leave, so I don't have the option of extending my leave to 12 weeks with unpaid time off. I'm trying to finagle the system to get a few more weeks out of it (trying to use all my sick time and vacation time, figure out how I can extend short-term disability somehow, etc.), but it's daunting. Plus, with the prospect of Matthew unemployed it will mean that the dream of getting to stay home with our baby and not go back to work is all but gone.

It's pouring, folks. Cats and dogs.

Absolutely (Un)Remarkable

2009-01-04T17:27:00.003-05:00

At different points in my life I have been in the throes of something that has completely floored me and made me contemplate my life in a way that I'd never really considered before. These "somethings" have been small things, big things, medium things. At some point during my revelations related to these somethings I've realized that not only is my life profoundly affected and ultimately altered by this thing that's happening, but also that countless other people are just as profoundly affected by the very same thing but in a way that is totally unique to them.

This seems to make the something itself absolutely (un)remarkable. It's remarkable to me because it's happening to me and it's mine, but it's unremarkable to everyone else because it's happened to so many others and been theirs, as well.

Take, for example, pregnancy. It is at once ultimately personal and intimate while being mundane and typical. This concept amazes me. For me, bringing this child into the world is the most profound thing I have ever done with my life. It changes everything. It makes me undoubtedly a woman and takes me a giant step out of the realm of girlhood. It makes my body a true vessel. It makes me a parent. It makes my husband a father. It joins us together in a way that is more permanent than our marriage.

And yet? It is so very commonplace. It is the most usual thing. Pregnancy is the norm. By this I mean that babies are born every day to women all over the world. These individual miracles and intimate moments instantly become part of the global statistic and the ranks of typical childbirth rates are joined by thousands each day. Remarkable and unremarkable.

This is my latest introspection. What my body is doing right now is nothing short of amazing and nothing more than common all at the same time. I am not doing a single thing that someone else hasn't already done today, this week, this month, this year, this decade, this century, this millennium. And yet it does not diminish my experience in the slightest. I will continue to be awestruck and moved by every moment.

2009

2009-01-01T15:22:00.002-05:00

My mom called me this morning. OK, it was this afternoon, but it was morning to me! She wanted to tell me about my horoscope. She said it was only fitting and seemed like a great way to start this new year.

"You were lucky enough to be born with talent. Now you have to be talented enough to find luck. Your artistic goals will be met in the new year because you start taking them seriously right now."

I was struck by 2 things in particular about this.

1) It perfectly sums up what I hope to happen for myself in 2009. Of course, becoming a parent is the biggest change that this year brings, but in terms of my own personal development I'd like to concentrate on some creative pursuits that have been languishing too long on the back burner. I believe it's very important to show your children that you have a passion for something (if not many things) and set a good example for artistic expression.
2) I was so touched that my mom would read that and want to tell me about it. She knows how important it is to me to feel creative and productive. It really made me feel great that she took the time to call me about it.

What are you looking forward to in 2009?

2008-12-29T00:57:00.001-05:00

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2008-12-29T00:56:00.004-05:00

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My cousin gave us the crib her kids used. It's 9 years old, but looks practically new. It just needed a coat of non-toxic/no VOC white paint to make it match the rest of our furniture. Perfecto!

The canopy is a leaf. It's the coolest thing. I wish I had one when I was a kid. The lights on the wall match the bedding. I don't think it could be more perfect. A few pieces of art on the walls and we're done.

2008-12-29T00:56:00.003-05:00

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Nesting

2008-12-29T00:26:00.003-05:00

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People told me to expect the nesting urge to kick in any day now. Well, it's kicked in. Hard. Almost as hard as the baby has been kicking.

Matthew has been amazing - completely unsurprising. He's been super-dad-in-training since day one. We hardly had any time to ourselves this weekend and yet today he managed to prime and paint the crib my cousin gave us, assemble it, put it in place and then get all misty with me over the book my sister in law gave us for the baby.

Since we're a typical Brooklyn couple, living in a one bedroom apartment, we need to make our bedroom a combination bedroom/nursery. We've been focusing a lot on how to make the room work for both halves of this arrangement. The baby needs a safe, comfy, calming place and so do we.

Something else he did this past week is in the photo above. While we were in Paris on our honeymoon in April I took a photo of a very old clock in a park we'd never been to before. Matthew pumped up some of the colors in Photoshop and had it printed. It's huge! It's huge and it looks amazing over our new bed. Not only is he prepping the baby's side of the room, he's making sure our bedroom is a true sanctuary for us. I don't know how I could be luckier.

2008-12-21T01:25:00.001-05:00

28 weeks.

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le sigh

2008-12-19T10:27:00.003-05:00

This makes me sad.

For 100 years the USPS has run a program called Operation Santa. Children from all over the country send their letters to Santa to the North Pole. Post offices collect these letters, sort through them to find the most compelling (usually from needy kids), and for the past 100 years in one form or another have made them available to the public so you could respond to a child's letter if you wished.

This week, without explanation or warning, the USPS suspended the program. People showed up to New York's post offices expecting to sift through the cardboard boxes of kids' letters to find the one they'd play Santa with... only to find no boxes, no letters. Apparently there was some sort of privacy issue (a registered sex offender responded to a child's letter) and now the entire program is gone.

I understand that pedophiles should be kept away from our children, it's obvious that should be the case. However, have we reached the point in our society where we are truly willing to make everyone pay for the crimes of a few? The answer, my friends, is yes. We've been there for a long time now. Look at the precautions we all need to take at airports these days. When is the last time you personally brought liquid explosives on your travels? Oh, you haven't done that? Well, someone did so now you can't take your favorite shampoo with you on that flight to Tahiti.

There are children in my neighborhood who have probably written letters to Santa asking him for a warm coat for Christmas this year because their parents had to choose between a new coat or a week's groceries. Who is going to answer those letters now? This "one bad apple" theory really stinks.

I'm trying not to get too bogged down by this negativity, so instead let me end this post on a light note. I support a wonderful charity called the Pajama Program here in NYC. Did you know that most children in the foster care/shelter system don't have pajamas? They have no bedtime routine that includes snuggly sleepy clothes and comforting fabrics. This year I contributed PJs in teenage girl sizes. Often, the babies and small kids are thought of first and the teenagers are an afterthought. Some girl will receive a great flannel set of PJs and a robe from me this year. I feel really good about it. If you're looking for something charitable to do this season you can contribute pajamas to the Pajama Program.

2008-12-16T19:21:00.001-05:00

Snow has come to Brooklyn.

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TMI Alert

2008-12-13T19:25:00.003-05:00

Interesting and exciting discovery of the week - my boobs work.

No joke. They work. It's so weird! And amazing! I am a veritable food factory. Our apartment is a house of wonder at the moment. I realize it's some of the most basic biology known to man, but even the thought of my body being able to feed a little person is mind-blowing.

2008-12-06T15:26:00.001-05:00

This is what happens when you bring donuts to the office. No one wants to take the last one. Even when 'the last one' is a tiny fraction of a donut.

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Poke, poke. Jab, jab.

2008-12-04T20:54:00.003-05:00

I've spent the last week with a tiny foot (or feet at times) jabbed into my ribs. It's wonderful and amazing, but it's pretty darn uncomfortable! Teensy heels crammed into tight spots that are usually occupied with various internal organs which have lived in those spots for 31 years. That's been my experience this past week.

We've spent many an hour on the couch lately just watching my belly move and undulate. It's wild to see my own body moving on account of someone else's own body. Someone else's itty bitty body which weighs about 2 lbs. by now. That's 2 cans of black beans. We use this comparison because 2 cans of black beans are a staple in our pantry and often we'll venture into the kitchen and just carry around a couple of cans for awhile. You know, just to see what 2 lbs. really feels like. Funny, the cans don't squirm like Awesome does.

Unrelated: Is anyone else swooning due to Denny's reappearance on Grey's Anatomy? *drool, swoon, drool* And how about the introduction of a character with Aspergers? Pretty groundbreaking. Ooh, Denny's back onscreen. Gotta jet.

Inspiration

2008-11-25T11:22:00.002-05:00

This is my friend, Marisa. She is amazing. (and adorable, I mean, look at that headshot!)

If you have lost a parent, or you have a friend who has, please take a moment to read this short blog entry (on Glamour.com, yes - she's a superstar) and pass along Sally's Circle to someone who could use a soft spot to land this holiday season.

23 weeks. Excuse me, have you seen my toes?

2008-11-22T12:23:00.003-05:00

23 weeks. Awesome is huge!

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It was an accident, mama... another one

2008-11-18T23:17:00.002-05:00

Duke's new $200 bandage. He jumped into a pile of leaves onto something sharp and now he's got a fab purple leg warmer and some antibiotics. Matches the $300 wrap and meds he got on his back leg a few months ago. Ah, Duke. He doesn't seem to mind. It doesn't interfere with nap time.

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Snark Alert

2008-11-14T17:58:00.002-05:00

The word is r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s. Not r-E-diculous.

There is no such word as "supposebly".

"Irregardless" isn't even close.

Can we please finish the chapter on "orientated"? C'mon! How hard is it to get oriented? Apparently it's so hard some people feel the need to add a syllable.

Educated, professional people who make far more money than I do should know these things. They just should. That's how the world should work. There are simple rules that the universe should follow. Higher-ups being even remotely capable of using the English language correctly is one of those rules. Case closed.

Talk is sometimes more than cheap

2008-11-11T11:12:00.004-05:00

If you've been coming here for awhile, or even if you're new to my world, chances are you know I'm a big sap. I cry a lot. I cry when the wind blows, when I'm sick, when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm hurt, when I see touching commercials on TV (damn you, Walmart at Christmastime!).

It's no surprise that I cry a lot lately. This kidlet cooking in my insides makes for a pretty fascinating hormonal ride. I'm up, I'm down, I'm up even higher, I'm down even lower. Luckily, as soon as I passed the 15 week mark I started ending up on the high notes and not on the low ones. The first 15 weeks were tough. Tough is an understatement.

"Tough" is one of those words you use when people ask you how you're doing and you don't want to say, "I've never experienced this kind of crushing, all-consuming depression before and I'm terrified that it will never go away." You don't want to say that to people because it's scary. It's scary for them to hear and it's scary for you to say because then you're acknowledging it. It becomes too real.

I've read a couple medical studies done with pregnant women in different parts of the world and they've found that perinatal (during pregnancy) depression is as common, if not more common, than postpartum (after birth) depression. Postpartum depression (PPD) has been getting more media attention in the past handful of years since more women have been willing to be open about how they're feeling rather than hide their extreme emotions out of shame. The attention is good, but there also needs to be a discussion in the medical and mental health communities about perinatal depression. It's a real thing. I've been there.

For the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone see friends or family, go to work, interact with people. I didn't want to have a conversation with anyone because I felt that the only thing anyone ever asked me about was the baby. It's understandable, but it made me feel like I was disappearing. I felt as if Melissa was invisible and some strange incubator had taken her place. My identity was very shaky and malleable and the ground felt uneven under my feet all the time. Matthew saw it all first hand and he was amazing. He was nothing but supportive. I can't imagine having gone through that without him. Single women and even women in relationships with less than supportive partners have to endure their pain in silence, alone, without a support network. Something about that needs to change.

I've joined a support group in Brooklyn for PPD and perinatal depression and hope that it grows into something where I can volunteer to help other women who are going through what I went through. I'm monitoring my emotional and mental health on a daily basis and I'm listening to what my brain tells me. Once the baby comes it's that very monitoring that will let me know if I'm one of the millions of women across the world who suffers from PPD. Catching it early is important. If you know someone who has suffered from perinatal depression or PPD don't be afraid to talk to them about it. The more we talk about it, the less monstrous it becomes.

What am I doing?

2008-11-07T12:20:00.003-05:00

Look at this face. We're going to meet her in the next few days. She's about 6 years old, 55lb. lab mix, spent all of her life until this summer in a parking lot. She's being fostered by someone who can't keep her any longer...

So Matthew and I are taking Duke to go meet her soon. If it works out between her and Duke we'll at least foster her for awhile. As I type this I am fully aware that if she and Duke get along and she moves in here for a planned short period of time we will never let her go. I think we are getting in a little over our heads... and yet I can't stop it. What am I thinking? 140 lbs of dog and a baby! How will I handle that? Ah well, when it rains it pours. This pooch needs a home and if we can give it to her that's what we'll have to do.

Brooklyn is Obama country

2008-11-05T10:18:00.001-05:00

Another great video from my neighbor - footage of the celebrations in the street last night. This was one block over from my house. It was amazing! My friend and I ran out into the street as soon as NBC called the election for Obama and people were flooding out of their homes, dancing, cheering, banging pots and pans. Cars driving by honked their horns and we could hear cheers all across the neighborhood.

I have hope...

2008-11-05T00:01:00.004-05:00

Hope that we can once again be the admirable nation I recall from my childhood. Naivete? I don't believe so. I believe it's real. With this man at the helm I believe it's possible and it's coming.

Welcome to my neighborhood

2008-11-04T22:49:00.004-05:00

This is a video taken by my neighbor this morning at 6:30. He walked the length of the line to get into our polling place (only 2 blocks from my house). It was so cool to see so many people I recognize from the neighborhood all waiting together so early in the morning.

Matthew and I lucked out - we went at 6:10PM and there was no line at all. We walked in and walked right out. Pretty amazing! We would have been glad to wait this morning, but he had to get to work and we knew it would take more than an hour. We rolled the dice and took our chances with an evening vote instead. It paid off!

I love this video because even that early in the morning and with a line that long no one seemed upset or peeved, everyone just seemed happy to be voting.

2008-11-04T17:03:00.001-05:00

Duke voted.

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TODAY IS WORTH THE WAIT

2008-11-04T09:43:00.002-05:00

There was a 2 hour wait at my polling place at 6AM. Everyone had smiles on their faces. That is a very telling sign in my book.

*"borrowed" from Lynilu*

2008-11-04T09:38:00.001-05:00

the destroyed bone

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Destruction

2008-11-04T08:32:00.002-05:00

This video is dark, sorry for the poor quality. I just had to try to capture Duke destroying his new toy. This is a dog who never, ever - no matter how hard we tried - showed any interest in toys whatsoever.

That is, until we got a bag of baby things from my in-laws' neighbor. In that bag was a stuffed horse. Duke sniffed the bag, looked at us, saw that we weren't stopping him, reached his face into the bag and pulled out the horse. He carried that thing around the house for weeks... and then he destroyed it. He started chewing on it. That turned into stomping on it. That turned into tossing it up in the air and chasing it around the room. That turned into shaking it into submission. It finally ended in pulling out every last bit of stuffing.

Since his beloved horsie was dead we decided to get him a new stuffed toy the other day. His "bone" (a stuffed dog bone that says "KOSHER") lasted all of 2 days. He killed it. This video is part of the destruction caught on tape.

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21 weeks

2008-11-03T09:22:00.002-05:00

21 weeks. Baby is growing. So am I. Luckily, so far it's all in the boobs and belly.

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2008-11-02T11:51:00.001-05:00

A slice of pumpkin pie. We made it from a real pumpkin. It's crazy good. Fresh whipped cream takes it to a whole other level. Insane.

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Pushy, pushy, pushy

2008-10-30T19:34:00.004-04:00

A former coworker just left me a comment on my Facebook page (yes, I know) about the fact that I am a fan of Planned Parenthood. She said it's interesting that I'm still pro-choice now that I'm pregnant. Now, she didn't mean it as "oh, that is truly interesting". She meant "that's callous and you'll figure it out eventually".

Why is it that some women assume that having children is the benchmark of whether or not one is pro or anti choice? I don't get it. I told her that I'm actually more resolved than ever in my pro-choice stance now that I know the joy of planning for a child. I wouldn't dream of pushing my beliefs that belong in a church on anyone else, so the thought of my government or anyone else doing that to me is disgusting.

I doubt there will be further comment. She asked me a couple of days ago why I changed my middle name to Hussein. (You can make your display name on Facebook anything you want, and there are thousands of members who have changed their middle names to Hussein as a show of support for Obama.) When I told her it was an Obama reference she didn't reply.

I am almost always open to a discussion about my beliefs and my politics. I don't understand those who ask antagonistic questions only to clam up when the answer is provided. It's like she's looking for a reason to dislike me based on my views. I happen to think her conservative Christian beliefs are utter shite, but I'd still be open to talking to her about them and they don't make me dislike her. I just don't get it.

Really assy

2008-10-28T09:57:00.003-04:00

A couple of years ago Matthew was really sick. I kept asking him what his symptoms were and how he felt so I could figure out how to take care of him. He was so despondent and ill that he just kept saying, "I don't know, I just feel really... I feel really... I don't know - assy!"

Well, that's me now. I feel really assy. Been fighting what I thought was a cold for what is now the 3rd week. The coughing got progressively worse this weekend. I'm now wheezing and sometimes it's hard to breathe when I lay down. I woke up coughing last night so hard that I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Twice. I coughed myself into puking. Ick. Major ick.

I'm trying to get an appt with my doctor today because this is crazy stuff. A doctor friend thinks it's walking pneumonia. Great. My first concern was the kidlet, but he tells me that the placenta is a magical organ and women grow them for very good reasons. The best reason right now is that it keeps the baby healthy and free from my mommy ickies.

Gotta go shower. The steam makes my lungs feel a little better.

UPDATE: It's bronchitis. My doc called my midwife and we had a conference about what I am allowed to take as far as medicines go in my pregnant state. Right now I'm on an antibiotic, a cough suppressant, a bronchial inhaler, and a nasal spray. Sheesh! The good news is I'll be feeling far better by tomorrow evening. The bad news is that until then I'll just have to deal with feeling assy.

Compare and Contrast

2008-10-27T13:46:00.004-04:00

Remember back in school when you had to compare and contrast things? Usually it was a writing exercise. I'd like to base a compare/contrast writing exercise on the following 2 images. They pretty much sum up everything you need to know about this election.

I put my support behind the guy who works so hard he wears through his shoes. That's real America.