round and round...

Friday, June 17, 2005

Take your beating like a man, Doubt!

One of the biggest struggles in my 27 years has been self-doubt. That nagging, awful internal ghoul that lurks in the darkness that makes me question my motives and all that I set out to do. It's not constant, but it is a perisistent bugger.

I've found that many of my closest friends have fought themselves on any number of issues. Fighting oneself is probably the most difficult of bouts. My friends approach things with strategies quite contrary to my own, but the goal is the same - win the fight and overcome the demons inside, the ones that tell you "no" or "you're really not cut out to accomplish this" and even "quit now, you'll never get there, you're not nearly good enough and how dare you think you might be".

This impending move to Miami is something that I know is a good thing. By leaving New York I give myself a chance to breath, to be with the man I love, to give myself a chance to grow a relationship that is one of the most rewarding things I've had in my life. I want to be there. I want to be with him. There is no question, no doubt about that. The doubt lies in what I'm going to be able to accomplish in terms of design, fashion, success in business. Can I do more here? Can I do more there? Can I do anything at all if I don't get these doubt demons to leave me alone long enough to work up the courage to get my clothes out there - get them in the hands of the people that matter? That has nothing to do with geography, only my own damn shortcomings in the confidence department.

So, what do I do about this? I keep plugging away, making clothes, and those clothes have got to get on some bodies who have influence. They've got to get on the radar screens of some people who know people who know people. And the only way for that to happen is for me to make it happen. It needs to happen here and it needs to happen when I get to Miami. No ifs ands or buts. The doubt can't win this round. If I'm not letting doubt hold me back from moving to a new city where I know one person (even if that person is my favorite person) then there's no rational reason that I should let it stop me from becoming the success that I know I can and should be. No fucking way.

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