Huh?

Um, yesterday someone found my blog when they searched "turkey phallus" on Google. That's weird.

Check mate

Sometimes life is a funny thing. It just is. It brings people in, takes people out, moves others around like chess pieces on an infinite board. I had two experiences today that showed me the chess game is always being played, that people are in constant shuffle in moves that seem random but usually end up serving some sort of strategy.

While running errands this afternoon I saw a woman I used to work with. She was shopping with a friend and I was alone, looking ragged with my unshowered, yoga-panted, hat-topped self. We had dinner plans later and it was raining. I didn't want to get all dolled up to go run errands just to get damp and droopy for dinner, I figured I'd clean up when I got home. Plus, when I'm feeling icky, the urge to try on clothes while shopping is considerably less than normal, thereby lightening the load on my wallet. Solid plan, I thought.

Well, I saw this woman and instead of my first reaction being to say hello and catch up, I immediately looked down and pretended I was super interested in the lime green cable knit sweater on the display table at my waist. I looked over the rim of my glasses yet under the brim of my hat every few seconds, monitoring her movements to see if she'd vacated the area while I stood there, paralyzed, face pointed at the hideous lime green cable knit sweater. After she'd gone I avoided her the rest of the time I was in the store.

I started to feel bad. Guilt came creeping in. I felt like I should have said hi, should have acknowledged her. I don't think she saw me, so it would have been up to me to make contact. I thought maybe I was embarrassed because I didn't look "cute enough for company", like I was too schlubby to be seen by anyone I knew.

The more I thought about it, the more clearly it dawned on me that it wasn't embarrassment, it wasn't any feeling of inadequacy. It was simply a realization that sometimes people get moved off your part of the chess board... and that's OK. She and I weren't close, we enjoyed each others' company at work, but we didn't have deep conversations, we didn't have lunch together. We were coworkers, nothing more. I realized I didn't miss her. I was OK with her absence in my part of the chess board. Avoiding her meant saving 15 minutes in a time-crunched afternoon that would have been spent filling her in on details of my life she didn't know about when we worked together and hearing the same from her. It would have been a conversation of pleasantries and "how is So-And-So?". It wouldn't have been bad, it might have even been nice. But it wouldn't have been meaningful to me and I made the decision to let it slide.

That was a very strange thing for me to figure out. In my moments of over-analysis I like to think this means I'm letting go of the piece of me that wants desperately to be liked, wants so badly to be cool and included, even among people I have no real connection with. There's no need for that part. Silencing it leaves more energy to focus on deeper connections with myself and with people on my part of the chess board.

The second part of my day that struck me was the dinner MT and I had tonight. An old friend of his from high school, Chris, and his fiancee, Kerri, came to Brooklyn from Connecticut to have dinner with us. The two guys hadn't seen each other in 12 years. MT was excited all week since the plan was hatched for us to meet up. He really respected Chris back in school (they shared a locker!) and has always listed him in the handful of people he'd like to catch up with now that they're all grown up and adult-ish. Chris and Kerri are great. They're the kind of people who listen genuinely and have intelligent insight and contribute to the moment. They both write, he makes films, she has a blog (sixuntilme) that's a support community for people with diabetes where she talks about everything from medical advances and treatments to everyday things like funny conversations with Chris and her new camera (which is awesome).

Lesson of the day: people move in and people move out... I've got two new people on my chess board. That's pretty sweet.

Woof and meows all around

I haven't had my scan yet, but it's coming up and I'm sure everything will be fine. My headache finally went away.

I'll be working from home starting in a few weeks, so my schedule will have a bit more flex. I'm going to start volunteering at BARC - Brooklyn Animal Rescue Coalition. They're a privately funded animal rescue group that has a shelter and a pet supply & grooming shop. The shelter is run with the proceeds from the shop and donations from the private sector (no government subsidies). I'll be taking photos of the animals to be posted on BARC's own site plus adoption sites like petfinder, plus I'll do a walking shift with the dogs after the photo stuff. Cool, eh? I'm super excited about it. MT & Duke & I aren't quite ready to bring another furry thing into our one bedroom Brooklyn apartment, but we talk about it all the time and sometime soon we'll get Duke a little brother. I have a feeling I'll be bringing home one of the BARC dogs sooner rather than later.

Sometimes I might even take the Dukester with me. He'd love it. Lots of butts to sniff. Yum.

My stupid brain

I woke up this morning with a headache. My sinuses were going nuts and the pressure in my noggin was pretty bad. I took some decongestant and went to work. I'm prone to sinus headaches, so this was nothing new.

About 11:30 it started to get very bad. The pressure was worse and I started to get light sensitive. That's a warning that a migraine is on the way. Not wanting to get pukey at the office I came home and crawled under the covers. I was there from 1:00 until 8:00 when MT got home. I couldn't get up. Just sitting up made my whole head throb so badly it made me cry. I cry at the drop of a hat because of emotions, but it takes a good bit of pain to make me cry. MT called our doctor, went to his office, Dr. Awesome stayed an hour & 1/2 after his office closed, had already gone to the pharmacy across the street and gotten me a prescription by the time MT got there. It was amazing. He called me and talked to me about what's going on in my head and what kind of pain it is, etc. Who said New Yorkers are cold and rude?

Next week I have to get a CAT scan. Lovely. I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure it will be fine, I just don't want to be in that machine. I also don't want the results. I had a head injury 12 years ago and my headaches have been getting worse. I just want them to go away. I've been avoiding the tests for about a year. Can't wait anymore. Between Dr. Awesome and MT I've got no choice. They'll annoy the hell out of me until I make the appointment. Plus, now Kristie knows and she'll probably call and make the damn thing for me.

Halloween...

(this is me at our work Halloween party Tuesday night. My homage to Marcel Marceau. Funny, right? A mime? I never shut up.)

I’ve been thinking about last night and I’m getting peeved about kids. I got home from work, loaded up a big bowl with candy, put some creepy candles on the steps outside, then Duke and I sat and waited for trick or treaters. The adorable wee ones were out first, of course. Toddlers, elementary schoolers, that lot. Super cute and funny. Loved the candy and the little tubs of Play-Doh (for the wee ones) I had.

Then about 45 minutes into it the older kids came out. There were so many doofus teenagers last night who shoved their way in front of little kids I wanted to puke. I like the little kids in their cute costumes... I really do. But the stupidass teenagers who put zero effort into dressing up and just carry black plastic bags from the bodega drive me mad. On top of the fact that they didn't dress up there was a group of them who kept reaching into the bowl of candy I was holding after I'd already put candy in the bags they'd shoved into my face without saying "trick or treat". Um, that's a no-no. A big no-no. The common decency rules of Halloween dictate that the trick or treater does not reach to grab more candy from the candy giver's bowl. I had good candy, too. No cheap shit. We're talking Snickers, Reese's cups, Kit Kat, M&Ms, good stuff. I'd give them some candy and then they'd say, "Yo, I could get a Snickers?" Uh, no, I gave you a Reese's and a few Tootsie Rolls and that's what you get. You don't want the Reese's? Go home, spread your loot out on the floor, sort your piles, and trade for your friend's Snickers. That's how it's done.

Now I feel old. Teenagers annoy me and that makes me feel old.