round and round...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Pushy, pushy, pushy

A former coworker just left me a comment on my Facebook page (yes, I know) about the fact that I am a fan of Planned Parenthood. She said it's interesting that I'm still pro-choice now that I'm pregnant. Now, she didn't mean it as "oh, that is truly interesting". She meant "that's callous and you'll figure it out eventually".

Why is it that some women assume that having children is the benchmark of whether or not one is pro or anti choice? I don't get it. I told her that I'm actually more resolved than ever in my pro-choice stance now that I know the joy of planning for a child. I wouldn't dream of pushing my beliefs that belong in a church on anyone else, so the thought of my government or anyone else doing that to me is disgusting.

I doubt there will be further comment. She asked me a couple of days ago why I changed my middle name to Hussein. (You can make your display name on Facebook anything you want, and there are thousands of members who have changed their middle names to Hussein as a show of support for Obama.) When I told her it was an Obama reference she didn't reply.

I am almost always open to a discussion about my beliefs and my politics. I don't understand those who ask antagonistic questions only to clam up when the answer is provided. It's like she's looking for a reason to dislike me based on my views. I happen to think her conservative Christian beliefs are utter shite, but I'd still be open to talking to her about them and they don't make me dislike her. I just don't get it.

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Wednesday, September 03, 2008

All I can say...

... is that I would like to alternately punch Palin in the face and debate her on a large stage.

I mean, more power to the grand old party to make dumb decisions all across the board. It's typically what they do best. I disagree with Mrs. Palin on more topics than I can fit in a dumpster, so let's just start with this one:

She seriously thinks global warming is real, but that it is not caused by human activity.

WHAT?

She supports more extensive drug legislation, so it's not likely she's smoking the crack, but that's the only explanation I can come up with for such amazingly flawed thinking.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A lifetime of freak-outs

Does the freaking out stop? I’m not expecting it to. I anticipate a solid pattern of freak-outs for the next 20 years at least. If our calculations are right (they’ll be confirmed by our midwife early next month) I’m about 5 weeks along at this point. That leaves 37 to go. 37 weeks until we get to meet this person who’s presently inhabiting my guts.

The range of emotion is astounding. It’s so early that I feel more like an incubator than a mother-to-be. From what I’ve read and from what friends have told me it will take until I start to show for me to really feel connected to this baby in a way that’s tangible. Right now it’s more like an idea of a baby, rather than an actual kidlet in there. I’m physically uncomfortable (can I just mention that I’ve never had to pee so many times in a day and my boobs have never been bigger?), so I know it’s real, but I’m looking forward to feeling the switch from the theoretical realm to the actual one.

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Next time won't you sing with me?

Amazed. Bewildered. Captivated. Delighted. Excited. Frenzied. Gaga. Hopeful. Intimidated. Jubilant. K. L. Marvelous. Neurotic. Overwhelmed. Piqued. Questioning. Rapturous. Shocked. Terrified. Unbelieving. Victorious. Wondering. X. Y. Z.

My ABCs of pregnancy. Anyone have any suggestions for K, L, X, Y, or Z?

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Friday, June 06, 2008

How much is too much?

I am often among the first to stick up for liberal civil policy, artistic freedoms, personal choice, expression of any sort as long as no one gets hurt. That said, I've discovered a new found hesitance within myself when it comes to film/television that depicts graphic violence and extreme acts of depravity.

Case in point: my reaction to M. Knight Shamaylan's new movie The Happening. Have you seen the trailers? 3 particular bits spring to mind - 1) a man who lays himself down in front of a thresher, 2) a woman who stabs her own neck with a letter opener while sitting in Central Park, and 3) people throwing themselves off buildings in Manhattan.

The premise of this film is that there is an unseen, unidentified force that is sweeping in and affecting people in very bad ways. Namely, they kill themselves. They kill themselves quite calmly, as a matter of fact. Which, I must say, is a very creepy way to kill yourself. Anyway, this shit makes me nuts.

As if the death by thresher wasn't enough, the people tossing themselves off the building is enough to put me over the edge. I don't want to be one of those people who thinks everything is disrespectful to the memory of those who died on 9/11, one of those people who is hypersensitive about firefighters, skyscrapers, and terrorism... but there are some things that are a little too close to actual events for comfort. People throwing themselves off buildings is one of those things.

9/11 sensitivity aside, I still think this movie is pretty screwed up. At least, the visual representation of this "unseen force" is pretty screwed up. It's like they thought of 10 more things to freak Americans out with. 10 more things that housewives all over the country will suddenly be paranoid about. 10 more things that will end up on a Dateline NBC investigation next time sweeps roll around. 10 more things that will spur the manufacture of a drug made to counteract the anxiety they cause. I find it offensive because its just a pandering tactic to the lowest common denominator and somehow that bothers me. Do we need to have every last graphic detail shown to us? Have we lost all powers of imagination?

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Monday, March 24, 2008

How many more?

4,000 American soldiers dead since the Iraq War started. I don't feel much like blogging today.

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Fierce. Or something like it.

*SPOILER ALERT: If you don't want to know who won Project Runway you should stop reading now*

There is something empowering about watching someone's dream come true. It's inspiring. It makes the possibility of your own dreams a little more realistic. It shows you that there is a way to get things done. It puts a tangible spin on a very conceptual idea.

While it is uplifting and wonderful to see someone else's dream become their reality, it is also a crushing reminder that your dreams are still just that - dreams. Your reality is the same as it was yesterday, the same as it will be tomorrow. The same, that is, unless you change it. Unless you do something to shake up the mix.

Are you any closer to your dreams than you were yesterday? I can safely say that I am closer to some and farther away from others. The ones that I've moved away from aren't the ones I've decided to let fall by the wayside, they're the ones I want very much but have done nothing to attain.

Tonight I watched Christian, that little snivelling punk, win Project Runway. He's talented, very talented. He sees things that most people don't see and he works with fabric in a way that is transformational and artistic. His dream came true. And you know what? He didn't get to the top by being nice to everyone. Anyone who watched the show knows he's no fairy godmother. He got to the top by talent and audacity alone. I could learn a good lesson from him. I could. I should. Maybe I will.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

What to do?

I've been in this situation before, but I never know quite how to handle it. A friend wants to do something that I think is unwise. I think he's making a bad choice. The pickle is that I want this person to come to an understanding within himself about his path so it's not my place to meddle, but I don't see how this decision can be a good one and I want to save him from the heartache in his future. I know we each have to learn our own lessons, and we can't learn many lessons if we never take a wrong step along way. Yet, I can't help feeling like I'm letting him down by watching him take this step instead of stopping him.

I have to let time and faith take their course. It's tough to do. Keeping my nose out of it is the best thing. Isn't it funny how the best thing is often the hard thing?

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Monday, February 11, 2008

Superwhack

Superdelegates are starting to piss me off.

Every time I start to think my vote really matters, that my individual voice is strong enough to bear weight... I learn something else about how the election process is designed to ideally use the votes of the people, but really doesn't hinge much on what we as a public have to say when it comes right down to it. It's the same argument that people have been waging against the electoral college forever, it's just on the party scale rather than the national election at this point.

I've been volunteering and getting the word out about Obama because I believe in his ability to be a good leader (My thinking on this is that we need to decide if we want a good manager or a good leader. I believe Sen. Clinton would be a great manager, but that Sen. Obama would be a real leader.), but all the while I'm feeling a bit silly about it because I'm afraid my vote won't count for much. I fear the delegates at the Convention will take this decision to the smoky backrooms of the old boys' club because neither candidate will gain the number of delegate votes required to secure the party's nomination outright. From wikipedia:
At the 2008 Democratic National Convention, the superdelegates will compose approximately one-fifth of the total number of delegates. The closeness of the race between the leading contenders, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama, has caused greater attention to be paid to the role of the superdelegates in selecting the Democratic nominee inasmuch as in the aggregate they could come to be king makers to a degree not seen in previous election cycles.
What does that mean? It means that although my individual ballot was counted and processed, my vote doesn't mean much. It means that someone else (the party bigwigs) will be deciding which of the 2 candidates will be allowed to run for president. It means that I'm back to being frustrated as hell with our "democratic" process. Which is a real shame since Obama is the only politican I've been excited about in many years. I'm still excited about him. But this system? This system is a disappointment.

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Friday, January 11, 2008

Friday was, well, weird.

As I said to the woman who served us lunch today, "Today is a strange day. The morning was a bit like an angry teenager, but I have a feeling the day is maturing into something a lot more likable." Said morning was filled with technological issues with my work computer, which is a big problem since I'm on it all day and it's the only equipment that allows me to do my job.*

The Rover and I had lunch, which was a lovely break from the tech insanity. He's awesome and we went to a cool place. We both had burgers and - get this - they give you a half pint draft beer with every burger for free. Yeah! Old Speckled Hen was a nice accompaniment to the meal. Plus, at only a half pint it's the perfect lunch sized beer. I can't remember the last time I had a beer with lunch, but it was great. Have you ever done that? Had beer or wine or something when you have to go back to work afterward? I had hoped that by the time I got back home the tech issues would be cleared up and I could get on with my servitude work.

Uh, nope. No work done today. None. Not a bit. Couldn't access anything because Corporate IT Dude had taken remote control of my machine to run some diagnostics and such. It's very strange to see your computer being used when you're not the one controlling it. It's a little like what I imagine will happen when the robots come to take over the world. As of 5:41, no progress. Computer is screwed. Need a new one. I've been saying the same thing since mid-December, but now I think there might be some movement on that front since Super Nice Corporate IT Dude pushed for it with his higher-ups after banging his head against the wall for 6 hours today trying to fix it. Ridiculous.

*I had a realization. I realize that I feel bizarre and unsettled about having my work be totally virtual. Meaning, I use a computer for everything - even phone calls - and that makes me feel disconnected from the world. I email, I use online systems, I don't see another person all day, I don't write anything down... ever. I have no product to show for my work. I am in project management and client relations, this means I am a name/email/face that deals with things, but who doesn't actually produce anything. I have no output for all of my input. It's so shocking to me because I work really hard! This is what I can't wrap my brain around. I work my ass off and then at the end of the day I shut down my computer and it's like I did nothing. Not a damn thing. What do I have to show for all my efforts? ... ... ...?

I got to thinking about this on the walk home after lunch. The Rover is an actor. A very good actor, actually. He has something to show for his work. He's an artist. People watch his performances and see what he does. It started to dawn on me that I think my work is meaningless. It does nothing. It changes nothing. It affects no one. This is not entirely true because my work actually affects millions of customers around the world, it really does, but I don't think helping millions of people around the world to be able to use various graphic art programs makes a gnat fart of difference. Does it? Does it really matter that some guy in Japan can use Photoshop in his own language? Sure, but only to him and to the company who sells it to him and the CEO's kids' trust funds. I guess I believe my work is insignificant. It's not getting me anywhere. It doesn't help anyone. It doesn't fulfill me. It doesn't feed anyone who is hungry. It doesn't put a roof over any homeless person's head. It doesn't teach a child. It doesn't move people artistically. It just... makes money for a corporation.

This feels bad. This feels like I really am nothing more than the title of my blog. I am a spoke. Just a spoke. Something has to change. I need to do something that's good. I need to find a livelihood that doesn't make me feel... well, nothing. This job, and every one before it, makes me feel nothing. I want to feel good about my work. I know this is some existential crisis and I'm lucky to be in the position to have it - I have a job, and that's great. It means I earn a paycheck that I use to pay rent and feed Duke and pay for my wedding and take The Rover to lunch. BUT, can't I find a way to get a paycheck and make a difference? Is that too idealistic? Is it too late, at 30, to change gears and go in a completely new direction? What direction would that even be? I have 3 years of college, no degree, 8 years of project management experience. What does that equal? It equals corporate nothingness.

I'm feeling a little useless today. Not sure how to fix it. Something has to change.

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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

And then this happens...

Sometimes my faith in humanity is bolstered by something seemingly insignificant - the smile from a stranger, the kind gesture (holding a door, helping someone pick up their spilled handbag contents, etc.). I feel reassured that we're going down the right path as people and we're doing right by the planet and all the beings we share it with. Despite the war, the hunger, the crime we inflict upon each other on a daily basis, I have hope. But then something terrible happens and I question our entire species and wonder how there can be those among us who are beasts with no regard for life.

My recent posts have been very dog-centric. Unintentional, though it may be.

Yesterday we New Yorkers were alerted to a disturbing discovery up in Yonkers. 2 dogs were found by a gas station's cleaning lady. She opened the lid of the dumpster to throw trash in and, to her horror, found 2 dogs. One looking up at her, just staring, unable to move. The other, dead, frozen stiff, practically on top of the living one. These pups were pitbulls, they had been used either as bait for other dogs who had already been tortured into being fighters, or used as fighters themselves. (this is a photo of them, although you cannot fully see the poor, blonde, dead one)

Dog fighting is a serious crime, it's a felony in every state except Wyoming and Idaho (hellooooo? Get your acts together, WY & ID!), and punishable by 4 yrs in prison and a $25,000 fine in NY. How anyone could take an innocent animal and torture it until it becomes vicious is beyond me. The true vicious beasts are the "humans" who perpetuate this type of backwoods, ghetto, lowbrow, criminal, and depraved "entertainment". There are people who will tell you that certain breeds are innately nasty and mean and are meant to fight. Those people are wrong. No domestic canine is born with bloodlust. Some breeds have more natural aggression, but even those breeds are not born killers.

I am the proud caretaker of what some would consider a vicious breed dog. Duke is a Brazilian Mastiff - a fila brasileiro. Some people use these dogs as guard dogs, to intimidate strangers and protect their homes. In fact, in the UK you are prohibited from owning a fila unless you obtain the court's permission because they are classified as "fighting dogs". Hmm... I wonder how they got that reputation? I can assure you it's from irresponsible and callous humans who, for centuries, have trained dogs like Duke to be killers and fighters.

Ours, however, is nothing but sweet and, ironically, the only time he has ever shown aggression toward a dog or human is when some sick minded guy in our neighborhood jerked the chain (thick chain, not leash - evidence of "toughening up" a dog to make them stronger and meaner than their natural disposition) attached to his pitbull's neck and told Matthew they should see if the dogs would fight each other. Duke didn't take kindly to either the guy or his obviously aggressive dog. He lunged and Matthew crossed the street. Isn't it interesting that the only aggression to come out of my dog was provoked by someone wanting to dogfight? Interesting and telling, I'd say.

What is wrong with some people? Why are some people insistent on violence as a means to make themselves feel more powerful? Are people really that shallow, that immature, that emotionally devastated that they see nothing wrong with beating animals into submission and then throwing them into a ring to see which one can kill the other first? We wage war as nations. We commit crimes as individuals.

Saturday morning Matthew and I are going to a local animal shelter to photograph the new rescued dogs they have available for adoption. The photos will go up on the shelter's website in the hopes that someone will see them and want to make them part of their family. We're going to try not to bring home a brother for Duke. I'll let you know how it goes.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Please.

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Huh?

Um, yesterday someone found my blog when they searched "turkey phallus" on Google. That's weird.

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

What now?

What do you do when someone you love dies? How do you get to the next step and once you get there how will you know? It all feels surreal right now. I'm tired, even when I've gotten some sleep. I'm sad, even when I'm laughing. At least I can laugh, MT and I are keeping each other laughing as much as we can. We're both past the shock stage, the denial stage, the numb stage. Now it seems like we're both smack dab in the middle of the depression stage. This just sucks.

I can hear Jimmy's voice so clearly in my mind. I hear him picking on me for wearing my favorite red Doc Marten's boots all winter with my jean skirt... he called me "Amy Pohler in a punk sketch". Ever since last winter he always called me Amy. What a nut. We spent last Sunday at the Brooklyn Museum checking out the contemporary Caribbean art exhibit. He was really impressed with a few pieces in particular. I think I want to go back and see them again.

I hate feeling aimless, but I don't know what to do now.

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Sunday, September 23, 2007

Jimmy Rosina

Our friend, Jimmy Boppapoleze, died last night. Well, that wasn't really his name, it was Mike Rosina, but that's a whole other story. Jimmy had been sick for a very long time and had been in bad shape. He didn't wake up this morning at home in his own bed. We loved him, still do. Jimmy was part of the hectic weekend last week as one of our out of town guests. I'm so glad he came. It's hard to plan our wedding without Jimmy playing a role. I'm at a real loss for words right now.

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

So, I have this friend...

My friend from work and I were joking yesterday afternoon that she was pregnant. Her son is almost 1 and she was a little late this month. We were laughing about how crazy it would be to have 2 kids under the age of 2. She was going to stop by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up a test and take it when her husband got home just to ease her mind and put the thought that she might possibly be pregnant out of her head.

About half the day went by before I remembered our funny little chat from yesterday and IM'd her to ask how much she & her husband laughed when she brought that test home. She made a little winky face on IM and then proceeded to tell me that she's pregnant. About 5 weeks, apparently. The kicker is that her thyroid went nuts with her first pregnancy and she's not sure she's healthy enough to have this baby. She's seeing her endochrinologist to see if all's well, but until she gets the go or no she's having a tough time emotionally.

Her first impulse was to be excited, obviously. Having another baby now, planned or not, will be easier for her than when her son is older and she's out of the getting-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night mode. She wants to have this new kid even though she's totally taken by surprise. But her excitement is tempered by her fear of getting bad news from the doctor. It's a heavy thing to carry around.

Makes my little worries seem pretty teensy weensy.

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Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sofa saga

Why can't people who sell things on craigslist describe their goods accurately? Am I really supposed to believe that this photo represents anything "beautiful", "elegant", "vintage", or "like new"? C'mon! It's a Laura Ashley wannabe. I think there should be a short, yet informative, article of required reading for all potential craigslist furniture sellers. It would include things like proper names of furniture design eras (if I see another "Eames era" or "mid-century" description on an overstuffed anything I might throw up), how to accurately quantify the condition of your piece ("like new" does not mean "if you don't count the huge slash in the side from my naughty kitty"), and most importantly it would include a pricing guide. That beauty down there is going for a mere $600. Um... are they serious?

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Monday, April 09, 2007

Second Chances

Most times people deserve them. In this case he does. Give him one. He loves you. That's hard for me to say, but it's the truth. If you only believe one thing believe him when he tells you he loves you. That's got to count for something.

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I figured something out today

The lyrics below are from a Death Cab For Cutie song called Someday You Will Be Loved. It's on an excellent record called Plans - you should listen to it if you haven't yet. The snippet down there is what I'm afraid of.

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved


I'm always afraid of being forgotten. I know there's no more "us" for me & him. There hasn't been for a very long time. I'm making myself OK with that. Even so, I don't want to be reduced to nothing but fuzzy memories for him. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want him to have me and yet I don't want him to discard the thought of me. I know that's the most selfish thing to feel. I know it and I still feel it. I want him to remember what my hair looks like when the sun hits it, how I make cooing noises in my sleep when I'm dreaming, the way I dance around the kitchen when I cook, the way I used to look at him when I hoped everything would work out harder than I'd ever hoped for anything before.

I hope now that this feeling will fade just like the memories of me will fade for him. I'll be a series of blurs and sometime soon I'll have to be OK with that. I have to learn to be OK with that.

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Complete

It's done. It's over. It's been over for a long, long time. But the final nail has been ever so brutally hammered into the coffin and now it's really finished for good. I have cut off contact with someone who once meant everything to me - and who still means more than he should. He will always mean more than I want him to. We haven't been lovers in what seems like forever and we cannot ever be friends. We tried. Sometimes things get broken beyond repair. As much as it hurts right now it's comforting to know that "we" were the thing that was broken all along - not me.

I get up in the morning for me now. I breathe for me. I grieve for me. I hurt for me. I laugh for me. I cry for me. I feel everything I feel for me. The grief is mine and I have to deal with it the best way I can.

He's moving here. He's coming to my city. This place was supposed to be ours - but it's mine now and he's finally coming here like he promised he would a year ago. The difference is that I won't see him. I won't know where he is. I'll wonder. I'll wonder more than I want to. But I won't see him. I won't talk to him. This place is mine.

Every day I wake up, I see MT and Duke, I breathe in the Brooklyn air and I am thankful.

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Monday, September 18, 2006

Scars

I hate hurting. Physically, emotionally, pain is pain. My body hurts. I miss someone. I'm worried. I wish there was a band-aid for inner boo-boos.

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