I figured something out today
The lyrics below are from a Death Cab For Cutie song called Someday You Will Be Loved. It's on an excellent record called Plans - you should listen to it if you haven't yet. The snippet down there is what I'm afraid of.
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
I'm always afraid of being forgotten. I know there's no more "us" for me & him. There hasn't been for a very long time. I'm making myself OK with that. Even so, I don't want to be reduced to nothing but fuzzy memories for him. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want him to have me and yet I don't want him to discard the thought of me. I know that's the most selfish thing to feel. I know it and I still feel it. I want him to remember what my hair looks like when the sun hits it, how I make cooing noises in my sleep when I'm dreaming, the way I dance around the kitchen when I cook, the way I used to look at him when I hoped everything would work out harder than I'd ever hoped for anything before.
I hope now that this feeling will fade just like the memories of me will fade for him. I'll be a series of blurs and sometime soon I'll have to be OK with that. I have to learn to be OK with that.
jotted down by Melissa at 11/08/2006 10:36:00 PM
9 What people are saying:
Your honesty is the most amazing thing ever. The fact that you are admitting this to yourself (and to us) makes you MAD brave and will definitely make this desire fade.
11/09/2006 09:49:00 AM
I agree w/the honesty compliment. You know how tough it is for most of us to face up to our fears, much less than acknowledge them publicly.
That gives you such a huge edge over most folks in terms to finding yourself and coming to grips w/all the elements of your life.
BTW, thanks for dropping by while I was down and out with tooth issues. Almost better now.
11/09/2006 10:38:00 PM
Thank you. I really appreciate all of that. I don't feel so brave. I feel pretty weak, but maybe that will change with time, too. I'd like to think it will.
11/10/2006 12:22:00 AM
I think that both of you will see some fade...that's natural. But I think both of you will have memories, and will always carry a small part of each other inside...things will come up that will remind you both of the other, or a shared moment in time. Even if both of you move on, know it wouldn't work, and go on to find other peace, happiness. It happens. It's who we are. How we got to be who we are---because of the people in our lives. or that used to be in our lives. Treasure the good memories, and let go of the bad....and resolve to go on....
You can do it. You're stronger than you think.
11/10/2006 05:26:00 PM
You did all you could. No one could ask for more. I"m betting he still thinks of you in just the ways you mentioned. Who wouldn't?
11/10/2006 07:44:00 PM
I think when I feel weak, I also discover a bit of strength I didn't realize was there...I'm learning that it takes far more courage to be vulnerable and honest. Give yourself time - I so admire your honesty with self and others!
11/11/2006 03:46:00 AM
Painfully honest post, Melissa.
I believe that part of the beauty of the human mind, the universe, karma...or whatever it is that the fade works for you too. By the time it happens...you don't notice....when you've faded for him...it won't be as important to you not to fade.
And I think there will be instances he'll never forget. Those sharper than life moments carved in his memory. You'll have them too.
You're getting stronger. Keep it up.
11/11/2006 10:40:00 AM
hi!!
11/13/2006 09:56:00 AM
It's a scary thought, the thought of being forgotten. The thought of not having made some sort of impact. I wish I knew how to make your fear of that go away. Unfortunately, I feel the same thing. If anything, you are not alone in that.
xoxoxo
Rach
11/14/2006 03:25:00 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home