In the immortal words of Tim Gunn...

I've decided to "make it work".

Apparently, the universal theme to this week was realization. It came in waves, some strong and big, others so small they sneaked up on me when I wasn't paying close attention. I realized:

• I can't stomach doing a meaningless job for much longer.
• In order to feel fulfilled I need to make a difference somehow, whether it's with my job or as a volunteer.
• Dogs rule, even the ones who don't like anyone very much.
• I make a mean eggplant parmigiana.
• Other people have much more faith in me than I do.
• I'm going to take a class this Winter/Spring that is going to give me much needed confidence in my technical sewing skill.

We went to dinner at our favorite little French place on Friday night for dinner and had a pretty heavy conversation about my blog entry theme that afternoon. Matthew is of the opinion that everyone who has ever made any difference to anyone has, at one point, gone through an existential crisis. He insists this is normal and that it's OK that I feel useless. In his eyes it's a critical step to greatness. He believes I can do anything I put my mind to. He believes this wholeheartedly, with no doubt, with unending confidence. I sure wish I did.

After dinner one of the owners of the bistro sat down with us for a glass of wine and we had a chat about plans and what it means to be hungry for more. She started out in TV network sales. She worked at a major network for 20 years and was then asked to "retire early" because the corporation could get a younger person to do her job for less money. She saw that as an opportunity to pursue something that moved her. She took her love of backyard gardening and decided on some classes in landscape design at the botanical garden. That turned into an apprenticeship with a very successful landscape architecture firm... 10 years later she was on the cover of Architectural Digest and she decided it was time to move on. Now she owns a fabulous resto with her husband. She looked me right in the eye and asked me what I wanted. After I answered her she said most people just know they don't want to do what they're doing... they're not too sure about the next step. She insisted I'm ahead of the curve when it comes to knowing where to go from here.

She & Matthew are on the same page on this one. It was great to have my partner in life tell me he has faith in me, but he's a little too close to the source to be fully trusted, you know? He loves me and he believes in whatever I do. But when our new friend told me to go for it, that made an impact. It gave credence to what Matthew had been telling me. Now I feel like I have the loose framework of a plan. I feel a little more solid and pointed in the right direction. Now I just need to muster up the fortitude to make it through the next 3 months until the wedding and I'll be able to get to step 2.

Random: what the hell is the deal with all the advertising campaigns recently featuring models who slouch? When did the "I'm worthless" look become cool? Shit, women. Stand up straight. Sheesh. And designers? Stop selling your clothes with ads that make young girls think they're fat and have too strict posture.