Complete

It's done. It's over. It's been over for a long, long time. But the final nail has been ever so brutally hammered into the coffin and now it's really finished for good. I have cut off contact with someone who once meant everything to me - and who still means more than he should. He will always mean more than I want him to. We haven't been lovers in what seems like forever and we cannot ever be friends. We tried. Sometimes things get broken beyond repair. As much as it hurts right now it's comforting to know that "we" were the thing that was broken all along - not me.

I get up in the morning for me now. I breathe for me. I grieve for me. I hurt for me. I laugh for me. I cry for me. I feel everything I feel for me. The grief is mine and I have to deal with it the best way I can.

He's moving here. He's coming to my city. This place was supposed to be ours - but it's mine now and he's finally coming here like he promised he would a year ago. The difference is that I won't see him. I won't know where he is. I'll wonder. I'll wonder more than I want to. But I won't see him. I won't talk to him. This place is mine.

Every day I wake up, I see MT and Duke, I breathe in the Brooklyn air and I am thankful.

Little by little

That's my new strategy: little by little. Everything little by little. Baby steps. Piece by piece. I have to process and digest things little by little. I've tried to handle all my business/stress/hardship at once and it's done nothing but make me a depressed, reclusive person who withdraws from her friends (which is unlike her), becomes sullen and negative (also unlike her) and generally has a hard time leaving the house for anything other than work. I'm not ready to say I'm clinically depressed, but I am ready to look for some help in dealing with some junk that needs to get cleared out of my head. Help is going to come in several forms and I'm formulating a plan to become an active participant in my life again. I start a new job next week, I have a gorgeous new apartment, I have people who love me, my dog lives with me now - on the whole I have everything going for me. I just have some stuff going on that needs to be taken care of. I'm going to fix me little by little.

Speaking of little by little, I painted the bathroom last weekend and it looks fabulous. I can't wait to get the rest of the painting done. We're tackling the bedroom next. It needs some help.

Sneak Peek

Psst... guess what? I accepted a job offer today. Yep. More $$, better benefits, better office location, no constant fear of being downsized.

New job. New apartment. Old dog (who, incidentally, is asleep across my lap right now because he thinks being 90lbs makes him roughly the size of a small, small kitten). Awesome.

I live here

It might seem trivial to you. It might seem like such a small thing, insignificant, nothing really. But to me? To me it's heaven. I have a neighborhood coffee shop, folks. Really. In fact, there are several, but I like this one best. I can walk there and it's not scary - not one bit of scary the whole 2 blocks it takes me to get there. At night? In the dark? Nope, still not scary to go get coffee.

See the lady with the grey ponytail and the black apron? That's Mary. She owns the place. I have a coffee shop. I know who the owner is. I have a neighborhood. People say hello when you walk your dog. Duke loves it here. He's even pooping outside now.

I'm off to cook the tuna I bought at the natural grocery store 2 blocks away and pop open the bottle of pino grigio I picked up at the wine shop down the street.

Such a change of pace. Such a relief. Such a sense of calm... as long as I'm caffeinated. Lucky for me that's not a problem now. I can just mosey on down to Prospect Perk and see Mary. This really is my own little Brooklyn utopia.

The Eagle Has Landed

And by "The Eagle" I mean Duke's poop, and by "Landed" I mean he went on the floor. MT got home this morning and he had pooped, get this... in the bathroom. Hey, that dog is no dummy. He's obviously brilliant because he chose the tile over the hardwood or the Persian rug. Genius, really. I took him out twice before I left this morning, but he wouldn't go. He peed like he'd drunk a river, but nothing came out the back end.

You know what? I actually get a huge kick out of the fact that Duke shat on my floor. Because you know what that means? It means he lives with me. He's a Brooklyn boy now. He lives and poops in the best borough around. The indoor poop part will soon be a thing of the past. He'll go for walks and play in the park like a good city dog. Just as soon as we get him leash trained. He's always had a fenced yard to run in, so he's not been on a leash much. Last night I thought he was going to rip my arm right out of the socket right after the leash wrapped around my hand crushed what felt like 37 bones when he decided to barrel down the sidewalk. Oww.

Good stuff

Good stuff of the day:

• the weather - today was beautiful
  
• kindness of strangers - specifically the lady on the train who told me my fly was down, it takes balls to tell a stranger something like that and I really appreciated it
  
• my boss quit - yesssssssss!
  
• Bombay Sapphire gin & tonic w/lime after a hard day of work
  
• homemade chicken pot pie
  
• being able to make homemade chicken pot pie pretty damn well
  
• good radio stations
  
• my new ringtone - "Kiss Off" by the Violent Femmes
  

New and improved

First night in the new place was last night. Haven't really moved in-moved in, but I'm staying here. Vast majority of my stuff is still at the mouse trap, I mean the old apartment in Flatbush. However, I cleaned the hell out of the kitchen and bathroom tonight and gave the gorgeous carved wood mantel a nice polishing so it feels a little more like mine now. I'll post pictures soon. I'll do a before and after photo thingy - we're painting soon.

Guess what else is happening soon? The pupster's coming to Brooklyn! Long story, but he's coming to live with me. He'll make this place feel like home more than any paint job ever would. He looks good, doesn't he? Healthy, happy, dumb and lovable as ever. A very tough situation has transformed into something good, very good.














Random: Does anyone really think that the guy who plays Matt on Nip/Tuck looks anything like a teenager? C'mon, casting director... his hairline is receding faster than the polar ice caps. Sheesh.