Where there's a Will...

I wrote our Last Will and Testament recently. It includes very little about assets (pretty easy to gloss over that part when you don't have many of them) and details about things that are so adult and mature and responsible they make my head spin. Things like who will be our child's guardian if something catastrophic were to happen to both Matthew and me? Who will be the executor of our will/estate? Who will be the secondary guardian if something catastrophic happens to the primary guardian? What do we want our advanced healthcare directive to say? When do we want artificial life support and when do we want nature to take its course (previously this was very cut & dried for me... but previously I didn't have a baby on the way - that changes everything)? These are things that are important to get into writing, even though the mere thought is extremely painful.

I wrote it out while Matthew was at a meeting and then we went over it when he got home. It's so basic, it hardly took any time at all, but it was tough to do. Our only assets as 30-somethings who rent our home are our car, M's guitars, and my retirement accounts. Not much when you add it all up. The easy part was thinking about who would get what should we both die. That took all of 5 minutes. The difficult part was typing out who would care for our child if we're both gone. The answer to that question is so obvious that it took a split second to make, but it took about half an hour and many lumps in the throat to type up.

Understatement: It's hard to think about your own mortality. It's even harder to think about not being around to raise your unborn child. Does it get heavier than that? I don't think so. Sitting down and writing up the plan for your child's care if you're dead is an awful thing to have to do. But it had to be done. No question about it. It wouldn't be right for us to skip along willy nilly and not have anything in writing - it would be irresponsible.

So, after our very adult evening spent writing up our Will we had a very adult conversation with 2 of our best friends this past weekend. Conveniently, they're married to each other, so that works out well. One was asked to be our executor and the other was asked to be the secondary guardian (in case my sister in law, the primary guardian, isn't around) with the understanding that they act as a partnership and do both as a team. We cried about it, we laughed about it, and then we ate lunch. They were honored and we were relieved and now it all feels exactly as it did before - we always assumed these friends would take care of our kid if we kicked it, but assuming and knowing are two different things. It's important to have it in writing and have the understanding out in the open.

I encourage you to write up a little something about what you'd like to happen if something awful were to happen to you even if you don't have children. It's amazing how emotions cloud family members' judgment when catastrophe comes calling and it's better for all involved to lay it out on paper. It's no picnic to do, but you'll be glad you did.

Doing the "I Quit My Job" dance

I'm not sure what the steps are, but I'm dancing up a storm here in my living room/former office. I did it. I gave my notice. My last day is next Friday. This feels so good. I have my dear friend, Martine, to thank for getting my foot in the door.

For the record, this was a photo taken on one of our last 3:00PM Dance Parties before the office closed. Yes, that's a big bottle of Russian beer. Yes, those are tiny cups. No, there's not really a disco ball in that office.

The big day

** I must confess that I've written this in advance to be posted today because I know I'll have so many things to do. **

Today's the day. Today I marry the most amazing person I know. Matthew, my love, my partner, my cool breeze, my sunshine.

Thank you to all of you who have visited me in this space for all these years and wished me well. I appreciate the kinds words in good times and in bad more than you probably know. Sometimes planning this wedding was so stressful and to alleviate some of the strain I'd go back and read a few of the amazing things you've said to me in the past. You've been so supportive, a real community. You've helped me though some rough spots and you've cheered me on through the triumphs.

Today is a big day. My life will never be the same. I'll have an official stamp on the partnership I've been half of for 2 years now. I'll even have a different last name! I couldn't be happier to be Matthew's wife.

I'll probably post all my honeymoon posts when we get back, so if you don't see any movement in this space don't be alarmed. I'll be back in 12 days with stories to tell and photos to share. I'll miss you!

Breath in, breath out

I kid you not - after the fiasco of yesterday's bonus ridiculousness I had to attend a pre-scheduled office meeting. The topic? Stress management.

I swear.

Stress freaking Management. Here's something that can help with stress management - paying people when you say you will. Telling the truth to your employees who count on you. Yep, that about does it.

Instead, they demonstrated varying techniques for mental and physical balance, which I actually respect because it's pretty new age-y and progressive for a corporate environment. Yoga, meditation, breathing techniques - all these things are methods I employ in my own life already, so to know they're being presented by office management is pretty awesome, but there's no way I can take it seriously. Sitting there at the other end of a virtual meeting with everyone else across the country, listening to the heavy breathing in the room as people practiced what was demonstrated I could do nothing but laugh. The expression "too little too late" applies perfectly.

This chick has a solid Warrior 2 and is ready to take her strong body to a new job.

I miss Shell Silverstein

Colors
by Shell Silverstein

My skin is kind of sort of brownish
Pinkish yellowish white.
My eyes are greyish blueish green,
But I'm told they look orange in the night.
My hair is reddish blondish brown,
But it's silver when it's wet.
And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet.


Listen to The Mustn'ts
by Shell Silverstein

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES,
the WON'TS
Listen of the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me--
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.


I needed all that advice today. I'm glad I looked him up.

A Good Day

Today is Matthew's birthday. He's 31. He says it feels remarkably like 30. We met 2 years ago today. We will be married in less than 3 weeks. I'm so proud of him and I'm grateful that we get to spend our lives together.

We went to the Brooklyn Museum of Art (a whopping 3 blocks from our apartment and one of the best museums in the world). They have an exhibit of Takashi Murakami's work that we were planning to see, but when the 7 of us got there we found out there was a $10 admission fee for the exhibit and half of the group are starving artists... so $10 to see some Japanese pop art wasn't in the cards. Instead, we made modest donations to the museum and visited portions of the main collection.

My favorite was the current exhibits in the Sackler Gallery for Feminist Art. Normally, I'm not a contemporary art fan. Moreover, I'm never a fan of labels other than nationality or time period. Labeling something as "feminist art" makes me crazy and I shy away from galleries that promote that kind of categorization. It seems to counter intuitive to me. Anyway, I was very pleasantly surprised to have found not only 2 contemporary artists I can stand behind 100%, but one in particular that really spoke to me in ways I didn't expect. The Judy Chicago installation of The Dinner Party is amazing, and you should see it if you can. But, it was Ghada Amer who really stopped me in my tracks today.

She's an Egyptian-born, French-raised, New York-living artist who uses fabric, embroidery, text, and paint to create pieces that speak to marginalization of women and themes of typical gender roles. Pretty amazing stuff. If you're near Brooklyn you should check out her work. My favorite piece was a series of 4 panels, each painted a muted shade of CMYK, arranged in a grid, with intricate embroidery of the definitions of 4 words in Arabic - including freedom and fear, I believe.

Balancing the investment:return ratio

I have made a decision. It seems that lately I have posted frequently about the grand decisions I've made and the changes I'm planning to make in my life. It's good to have ideas and to make plans, but it is better to act on them and make them a reality. The sweeping decision for today is to not take my job so damn seriously.

For real.

I've hit some speedbumps with my company in the last several months and my confidence in them as an organization has been dwindling at a pretty steady rate. After the events of last week (which are too boring and tedious to spell out in this forum) it has become glaringly apparent to me that I have given too much of myself to my job and it's time that it stopped. I will continue to do my best, to work hard, to see all my projects through. However, I will no longer be going above and beyond. I will no longer be working long hours. I will no longer be volunteering for corporate initiatives and taking on extra work. I haven't seen much return on the investment I have made in my job. What usually happens when an investment doesn't see good returns? That investment gets reallocated. Right? Simple math.

So, I am now reallocating the time and energy I would have previously earmarked for extra effort in my job to things that matter to me more - like my own interests, my own creative pursuits, my own life. I'm not going to become some work slacker, I'm just going to be smarter about the way I approach my job. It's like a relationship in the sense that if one person gives and gives and the other just takes and takes then the relationship isn't a very productive one. I'm going to make better investments with myself. Time and energy are priceless and impossible to get back once spent. They better be spent on worthy causes. Here's to a smarter personal portfolio.



By the way, David Paterson just took the oath of office and is now the governor of the state of New York. His swearing in ceremony was very moving and exciting. I was surprisingly giddy listening to it on the radio. His speech was great - he's a funny guy and he was jovial and light and inclusive. In order to read a speech he has to use incredibly large type, so he typically speaks candidly, on the fly. It was human and real. The first black governor of NY. The first legally blind governor of NY. He has grace and charm and I have high hopes for his term. I hope he is met with cooperation and respect. He deserves it. He served in the state senate representing Harlem for 21 years. The man has experience. Super cool thing: governors of NJ, CT, and MA were all present today. It's a regional love-fest.

3 years, people

Happy 3 year blogiversary to me! 3 years ago today I started writing about my life and times as a New Yorker and a 20 something. I'm still a New Yorker, still in Brooklyn, still my kooky self, no longer in my 20s, I have a different job, a different man, same best pal, fresh outlook on life. I'd say it's been a good 3 years, even with the bad bits, other bad bits, other bad bits, and worst bits of all. There have been good times, amazing times, the best times, and downright hilarious incidents. This has been a chronicle of my insights about myself, my relationships, and life in general.

Here's to another year of getting all the junk in my head out there into the ether for all to see. Hope you're up for it.

Ready? Let's jump!

2008, here I come. You better get ready for me. I'm doing things this year. Learning things. Making things happen. Changing things for the better. Shaking things up. Prepare yourself, 2008. You haven't seen anything yet.

2008 isn't the year I let things slide, put things off, forget about things that matter to me. Nope. 2008 is the time to shine, people. Jump right in. Get down to it.

I'm looking at you, 2008. Right in the eye.

2nd Blogiversary

It passed right by and I didn't realize until now. 2 years here. Wow. Cool.

From my first post a little more than 2 years ago:

"But, sometimes I feel rather alone in this big city all by myself. My love for this place is peppered with bitter drops of sadness that only reveal themselves at my weakest moments. I think that's pretty typical. Not sure if that's something that ever truly goes away. All New Yorkers carry with them some sort of conflict. It's a badge of courage, honor, stubbornness - whatever it is it's stamped into you the day you cross over the bridge, come through the tunnel, glimpse that Gotham skyline."

It's still true. I love this place. I love it and it beats me down sometimes and I love it even more.

I think I'll call her Pink Lady

Christmas was goooood.

Now I just have to learn how to play this thing. This rockin', awesome, slammin' pink burst guitar. Lucky for me I live with an amazing guitar player. Plus, he's cute.

Everybody gearing up for the new year? I think I'm going to resolve to learn more than a G chord by 2008. You?

I left my heart...

At the San Francisco International Airport. I also left my patience and my sanity and a bit of my decency there. Aw hell, I'm still there. Well, I guess right now it's here. I'm still here. At the airport, I mean. It's 1AM my time, but 10PM SF time and I'm waiting to board the sold-out red-eye flight back to JFK. Awesome.

Please enjoy random photos of the day:

This was the view out the wondow of the train from San Francisco to San Jose most of the way. Notice it's pretty dark. I was up at 5:30. Good times.

It got progressively lighter, as most days do, what with the sun and all... and I saw some interesting graffiti. Seeing the low buildings with tags all over them and the occasional palm really reminded me of Miami. It was a tense train ride. I kind of felt like I was travelling back in time to Miami and all the negativity of that place. Weird.

I have a cute pedicure. Black polish. Nothing to do with my trip or with CA, but my toes are cute. Wish the pic wasn't so blurry. Should've taken it when the train had stopped. Oh well.

Canines and Cars and Air Mattresses, Oh My!

DC in the Fall is a weird place. Aw hell, let's face it - DC any time of year is a weird place. I think the Fall is weirdest. It's not really cold like winter-cold, but everyone's bundled up like it's mid-February. The trees have no leaves left, but there are still some flowers. Over Thanksgiving the students have gone home, but immaturity still abounds in the form of the government.

I digress... we went, we saw, we fraternized with the family. My family. My boyfriend and my family. 4 days of it. 5 nights of sleeping on an air mattress with the tossy-turny-snoring-furnace I love so much. I'm amazed I'm still living. Oh, I forgot someone - my family, my boyfriend and MY DOG. Yes, Duke is a roadtripper. He was a champ.

We saw Kristie (which is good medicine for all that ails me), we ate dinner at my favorite restaurant w/the afore mentioned medicine (who is gorgeous, BTW), we hit golf balls, we ate lots of things in quantities that could kill a man, we hung out with my little brother who is turning into a man more and more every day. Good trip, long trip, exhausting trip.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday. I think it was good. She said the "D" word. It was hard to hear a professional say the "D" word when you've only uttered it in frightened, hushed tones to those closest to you. Hard to hear and strangely affirmative. Maybe now that someone else has named it I can get rid of this mess.

Sneak Peek

Psst... guess what? I accepted a job offer today. Yep. More $$, better benefits, better office location, no constant fear of being downsized.

New job. New apartment. Old dog (who, incidentally, is asleep across my lap right now because he thinks being 90lbs makes him roughly the size of a small, small kitten). Awesome.

dude

I just woke up. I didn't know I was sleeping. I passed out on my bed with my laptop open, TV on, lights blazing, clothes on. I only woke up because my phone rang, which is funny since I slept through 3 other calls. It's past midnight, I have no idea what time I fell asleep, but I certainly didn't see Project Runway at 10:00. Thank goodness for Bravo's endless series of reruns. I'm watching it now in my state of sleep drunkenness. So far Michael is blowing me away. He nailed it last week with his hot pink Pam Grier hotpants number, and now he's going strong with this week's recycled materials challenge. Oh, Kayne. Kayne, I love you and you're making a monstrosity. Jeffrey is beating you right now in this challenge and that's gross.

On another note, I've got some behind the scenes stuff going on that's really exciting and promising. I'm not blogging about it yet, but life is good. I mean, life is crazy and there are many days when I want to whack the rest of New York across the jaw and say "Back off!", but all in all my life is a charmed one.