Love Notes

Today I realized something about my behavior that I'd never noticed before. No, it's not that I get so excited in conversations about topics that stir my spirit that I tend to cut people off to finish their sentences even though I know I should let them finish their own thought (it's just that I love it when I share a certain philosophy or humor with someone so much that I get all wrapped up in the moment and come across as an overbearing freak sometimes).

No, that's not it. It's occurred to me that I keep certain emails and delete others. I know that seems like a mundane thing, but it's not. I've realized that I keep certain strings of emails with certain people almost as a record of my relationship with them. As if I save the conversations so I can go back and read them in case something terrible should happen and I'm never be able to talk to them again. It's strange, but I came to the conclusion that that is precisely why I keep them. It's weird, right? It's not something I've always done. I've, until recently, been a read and delete kind of girl.

I think it's because earlier this year I watched some of the people I'm closest to go through the agony of losing someone who was the closest to them. They're still going through it and will be forever, I'm sure. I've found that occasionally I go back and read the last email I have from Nicole. She sent it the day before she was killed. The email is nothing special, really. She was responding to an invitation to a group dinner that we were all trying to get together for. She was telling everyone that she'd love to come, but she'd have to let us know when she could do it since she was about to go work her first night as a bartender on the Lower East Side. She was so very excited about it. Major exclamation points and all-caps words. It's pretty funny how a short email sent out on the fly can sum up so much about a person. She lived her life with exclamation points and all-caps words. I think that's why I kept that email.

I've kept various other strings since. Some with the man, he'd written something uncharacteristially sweet or said someting really meaningful. Some with K, a lot with K, actually. They're usually gut-ripping hilarious or touching because we were writing about what our lives will be like when we're old and grey. I have a string I particularly like with Jess that talks about goals and not selling yourself short. I keep some with L that talk about how much we love each other and hate the distance between us. I have some with J about dreams and how much the coming year(s) will fulfill them. There's one with H that's all about her boobs. Good lord, it makes me giggle. I have one with S that's all about her hair and if it's the right color - I love it. I have a few with MT that demonstrate how perceptive and witty he is, even when he's not trying to be.

If my life could be summed up by my emails I'm not sure what they would say about me. But I know what they would say about the people I love. They'd paint a picture of raucous laughter and heart felt tears. That's how I live my life.