Friends are good things to have
Jude has a buddy. That's him on the left. They just happened to match the other day. Freaking cute, right?It's good to have friends. They're invaluable. They keep you sane when things swirl around. They make you laugh when you're blue. They keep you company when you're lonely. They prop you up when you're too tired to stand. Friends are crucial.
I miss my friends these days. They're not gone. I'm not gone. Things are just different, that's all. I think I don't get as many phone calls and hangouts because people don't know how to incorporate Melissa The Mom into social gatherings. Melissa The Mom is different. She has a kid. Does the baby come along? Does she need to make sure Matthew is home to watch the baby? Can they both come? Do they have a sitter? Does she even want to hang out since she's on baby duty and breastfeeding demands a pretty tight schedule? How do I relate to her now that she's a parent? What can I talk to her about besides the baby?
I think these are all valid questions, but I wish there could be a dialogue about them instead of this open-ended hiatus. The questions don't get asked and I feel strange calling people up and saying, "Hi, I think you might think I can't hang out or maybe I don't want to, but that's not the case." I'd love to go get a cup of coffee or catch a movie. I just need to plan a little more for it now. As long as I can either bring Jude or make sure there is enough pumped breastmilk in the fridge being social is no hassle. It's just different. Like everything else. Things are different.
Friends are good things to have. I miss mine.
Labels: baby steps, friends, sad
jotted down by Melissa at 5/14/2009 11:33:00 AM
5 What people are saying:
Boy, do I get that. As a widow, a single woman, many of my old relationships changed. Some of them are now coming back to me, but it was rough for a while. I think, Melissa, when our status changes, friends don't know how to anticipate us. We HAVE changed, because things in our lives make our routines different, and I suspect our friends don't know how available we are now.
You're right on when you say there should "be a dialogue," but YOU may have to initiate it. I don't know. It depends on the other people, your friends. Don't be afraid to call them up and say "let's have coffee," or let's take in a movie." You know your schedule, and after you open the door so they can see the schedule, I'm betting most will respond favorably.
Remember that they may be staying away to let you get those routines down. Babies make huge changes in our lives, and those outside the family often don't know how to respond.
When I had my first baby, I was lucky because my best friend had one 6 wks later, but other friends who did not have children backed off. A handful never returned, but most did once they saw that we hadn't morphed into Mother Earth, stay at home dweebs. I had a couple friends who were thoughtful enough to say "Please let me know when is a good time to come visit or meet for coffee." They were the exceptions. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is! Reach out!
5/14/2009 01:05:00 PM
Lyn - I can't thank you enough for that comment. You're SO right - sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't. It's worth a dialogue that I will start. Momming can be lonely, but it doesn't have to be. I can change parts of the lonliness... and those parts that I can't change probably weren't meant to continue on anyway.
5/15/2009 05:47:00 PM
Here I am, reaching out. :)
5/15/2009 06:42:00 PM
Jude is still adorable, but that picture makes it look like his head was plopped on his body! :)
In other news, a friend once told me that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Since parenting is a major shift, some people may not make the transition. Those questions that you pose are not trivial to a non-parent. As with anything, you have the power to decide what relationships are worth the effort. And, as always, the one that already has too much work is the one who has to educate others on the nature of the work.
5/16/2009 12:30:00 AM
I am going through some post adoption blues myself...and all my real friends are 7+ hours away back in Ky.
It's sort of the same for me with the 'acquaintances' and ex co-workers I have here in IL...everyone was so excited before and right when Isaac came home...but now no one calls (hardly even family. that's sad)
It's really hard when your whole life changes...I'm having a hard time being home 24/7 after working full time for 25 years....having no family, no friends nearby. I feel so alone. I know some of what you are feeling. It's really tough. I just have to push myself a lot, to get out of the house and do stuff like walk in the park, go to the mall, walk in the neighborhood, etc. just to see people and feel like I'm not cut off from the world...
You and Lyn are right...something that you just have to start a dialogue on --- call your friends, and push yourself to keep your life going. I'm trying really hard, but right now it's tough....
5/20/2009 11:48:00 AM
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