Helpful Tips & Tricks for the Workplace

There are some universal truths in this world - the sun rises and sets each day and night, people will always love/hate Oprah and Martha Stewart, matzoh ball soup can cure any kind of ache from head to heart, and some office behaviors are unacceptable.

For example - if you have an "office" that is made entirely of the divider walls that cubicles are constructed of and they just happen to go floor to ceiling to provide you with some semblance of importance and executive status, this does not mean that said "office" is sound-proof or even remotely as sound-resistant as a true-walled office would be. Case in point: the woman, originally from Texas (take that to imply exactly what you think I mean to imply), whose "office" is next to my cube. She thinks that because she has a door she has free reign to talk as loudly as she pleases on her speaker phone (turned up to high volume, natch) about topics ranging in substance from the latest reason she hates her pathetic husband who does nothing but enable her insatiable shoe buying habit, to bitching and moaning about the most recent gaffe committed by another exec down the hall who is surely endowed with a pathetic member resembling a roll of dimes. TIP: shut the hell up if you think other people can hear you, and if you discuss something quite personal please, oh please, speak quieter. And here's another thing - I hear those farts. The juicy one this morning, the one that immediately preceded your jaunt to the restroom... that was gross.

Further enlightenment - Cuban lady who sits on the other side of my cube from the Texas lady, I say "bless you" every time you sneeze (which is very often, you better not get me sick, woman). You always say "thank you", which I appreciate. However, when I sneeze, which is rarely, you never say "bless you". Why is that? I think you're rude. TIP: Be polite and use good manners. Be reciprocal, that's all. It's called the Golden Rule. It's called karma. It's called universal balance. In addition, I don't need to hear 57 times a day how you were "pahreeeliyyyyzed" when you were "thurrrteee four yearsss old" and now you're suffering from "deeeteereeoraaaayshun of theeee carrteeleedge". I feel badly that you have physical problems. I really do. But you shouldn't use that as a response when people say, "Hello, how are you today?" They don't really want that story as your reply. It's not cool. And by the way, I know your voice is giving out today because you have a cold, but every time you call someone to tell them you're not feeling good and you're losing your voice, you increase that vocal loss. So shut up. Thanks.

One more - hey, Mr. Security guard. It's nice that you greet me in the mornings. It is. I enjoy that. But I can't spend 10 minutes hearing every detail of your day because I'm the only schmuck dumb enough to stop moving as I make my way through the lobby and end up getting snared by your conversational web. Also, you might want to stop emphatically saying hello to me very loudly every time I pass through the lobby - which is about 10 times per day. It throws off the impression that you may be a bit slow in the mental department, and while I know that to be true, most people shouldn't be priivy.

That said, I believe there is a piece of carrot cake in the cafe with my name on it.

Tomorrow is Thursday, Thursday is a good day. I get to go to DC with the man and see my girls!!!! Oh, the relief and glee are overwhelming. :)