round and round...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Boys and girls, in this blog we've already visited the topic of proper vs. improper office behavior. I think it may be time for a brief refresher and a subsequent lesson.

  • Audible farts - forbidden
  • Loud conversations on speakerphone about personal topics - taboo
  • Offering a sharp complaint about your health rather than a salutation when greeted by a co-worker - verboten
  • Trapping someone with somewhere to be in idle conversation because you like the sound of your own voice - a no-no

Here's a quick new lesson:

Don't microwave something that smells like a cross between rotten fish and stinky gym socks. I know that your lunch smells good to you, but to the rest of us it reminds us of our worst-ever case of diarrhea. Be kind, eat food with a pleasant smell. I know this is subjective, but if it's pungent enough to be smelled down the hall and around the corner, chances are it stinks. Use caution when bringing leftovers of a very ethnic nature. I love stuffed cabbage, but you know what? It smells a lot like feet if you're not the one eating it, so I don't make a habit of bringing it with me to work... a place where I am not alone in the comfort of my own kitchen.

Another microwave tip - if you make popcorn, for Pete's sake please monitor the popping process. It is unacceptable office behavior to leave the immediate vicinity of the microwave while there is a bag of popping popcorn within. Absolutely not allowed. I know you may think you can get back from the bathroom before that 5 minute cycle is finished, but the bag clearly says that popping times may vary for a reason. Inevitably your popcorn will be done at 4 minutes and your bathroom trip will take 4 & 1/2, which means that the employees on the floor you've just polluted will have to inhale burnt popcorn fumes for the next hour. This is a smell that is not only unpleasant, but lingering. We'll all be smelling that for the rest of the afternoon. And once the fumes have subsided, we'll still hate you.

Let's move on from the food realm to the fun world of office music choices. If you have a radio at your desk and you work in a cubicle environment, it is quite unwise to play anything at a loud volume, let alone anything that sounds like you're working in a dance club. Not cool. I'm down with the funky sounds of today's tunes, but I don't think that 50 Cent is the best musical accompaniment to your job in the accounting department. It's a bit inappropriate when there are more f-bombs dropped in Accounting than in the mail room. Conversely, I don't want to hear your elevator music and smooth jazz with hints of soft rock and adult contemporary, either. Turn that shit down. It sounds like a dentist's office in here. Here's a simple way to know if you're outside the boundaries of proper music volume - turn on your radio, walk outside your cube. If you can hear it, it's too damn loud. I don't force you to listen to my NPR, I don't want to hear your Celine Dion. My Heart Will Go On and beat your ass if you don't lower the volume.

Time for a sprightly jaunt to the topic of clothing. This is pretty simple. One would think that it is understood (not to mention painfully obvious) that if you're wearing any type of pants or skirt, whether they be linen or polyester, that are the slightest bit transparent you would then want to disguise your underwear so as not to have the tell tale panty lines that betray your smooth-bootied look. This is something that all women need to know - if you're a black woman and you're wearing white pants, it's NOT, I repeat not, OK to wear white panties. You see, white pants and white panties over dark skin make for a distinct outline of the panties and completely distract from that lovely leopard print, low-cut top you're wearing. Oh yes, honey, I'm talking to you. Let's take that same theory and apply it to white girls. You're wearing black pants, they're not entirely opaque, and you're wearing black undies. This is not good. We all see your undies, which means we get a nice frame of your asscheeks. Ladies, the lesson is this: try some underwear that match your skin color. You can't go wrong.

That's all for today's session, kids. Have fun at work.

4 What people are saying:

Blogger Cat & Sapphire Sky xx rambles...

Oh I am soooo with you on the underwear thing - flesh coloured, if it has to be there at all *winks*

10/06/2005 11:34:00 AM

Blogger Jess rambles...

that is so damn hilarious- I feel like you're talking about my firm! But we welcome 50 here, he's our client! What what???

10/06/2005 12:30:00 PM

Blogger Melissa rambles...

Oh, Cat, how right you are. If you don't have the right undies the LEAST you can do is go commando. Sheesh!

10/06/2005 03:22:00 PM

Blogger tess rambles...

OMG! Did someone ship over half my office to yours or what??

And while we're on the underwear thing... Women who wear those ultra tight, ultra low cut pants (you know the ones, where you sneeze too hard and people automatically know if you dye your hair or not) need to wear the ultra tight, ultra low cut thongs to go with them! No granny panties allowed! Cuz I sure as heck do not need to know that its laundry day, and all you've got left are your period panties... Complete with heinous stains. *shudders*

10/07/2005 07:31:00 PM


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