round and round...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I wonder...

How do you know when it’s right? How do you know when something is worth fighting for, worth sticking around for? How can you tell when you’re making the right decision, whether that means staying or going?

I’m struggling with that right now in terms of work and my best friend is struggling with it in terms of her relationship with her boyfriend. We’re both feeling fed up and frustrated, and even worse – we’re feeling apathetic. She’s just made a major change in her life and it’s affecting her relationship. Things were strained to begin with and this new change is going to shake things up further. I’m having a similar experience in the sense that I’ve had a major change with work – I’m now working from home and it’s been very difficult – and I know that change will continue to affect things as time goes on.

In the midst of the changes, apathy has set in for both of us. I don’t know if it’s better to be dissatisfied and angry or apathetic and indifferent. I know both feel pretty bad. She’s basically at the point where she’s not too concerned about whether they will work through things or not. The relationship could officially end tomorrow and she’d be fine. She’d be sad about it, sure, but she’d be fine with it and in many ways it would be a relief. My situation is that I’m not caring as much as I once did about my job and it’s leading me to question whether or not I’ll stick around. I don’t really care about the job, but I do care about the paycheck and in many ways I care about the people I work with and I feel some loyalty to them. That loyalty will make it hard to leave when the time comes. Sort of like her relationship – she’s invested time, energy, and emotion and now she’s feeling like her investments aren’t panning out. She’s ready to cut her losses and walk away.

I’ve had meetings all week with my bosses and then today we met with the client. Things seem to be OK. I know my bosses want me to stay, they have plans for me and want to involve me in some initiatives they’re planning. While it’s flattering and a great boost for my ego to hear how much they appreciate my hard work, it only makes me feel like I have to stay because I don’t want to let them down. It’s a ridiculous feeling because the only person I should be truly concerned about in this situation is myself. I’m a professional and not some child looking for approval. If I’m not happy then why should I stay in a job I don’t like… just because I don’t want people to be disappointed in me? That’s rather pathetic and not a sound basis for any decision. Similarly, why should my best pal stick around and pour more energy into something that she doesn’t think is worth it?

I think I’ll stay until the wedding and see how things go. If there are shifts in the way my company deals with things and they’re able to follow through on promises they made to me this week then it will be a bearable about of time to stay until I can figure out my next step. If those promises aren’t kept and things fall apart again it will be a tough time period, but I think it’s unwise to leave before the wedding. In terms of timing it just doesn’t make sense. It’s 3 months away. Pretty much that means 90 days for the company to prove to me that they’re worth keeping. If in 90 days I’m feeling as dissatisfied as I have been the past month then I’ll plan my exit. I decided the stress that will inevitably come with leaving this job is not something I want to undertake right before we get married. Poor Matthew, if he had to listen to me whine and see me fall to pieces in the weeks before the wedding I think he’d go nuts. I don’t want to do that to him or to me.

As for now it feels like both my friend and I are looking ahead, but keeping our eye out for the exit strategy. Looking straight ahead, but keeping that peripheral vision keen.

P.S. I’m writing this on a plane from San Jose to Seattle and the flight attendant is on the loudspeaker talking about the Visa application for Alaska Air that gives 20,000 bonus miles. They’re going to be passing out application forms any minute now. She’s been talking for 3 minutes. It’s loud. It’s annoying. Last time I checked, I didn’t pay for a flight in order to be advertised to. This is annoying. It’s like the commercials that air before the previews when you go to the movies. You pay for the ticket and then they make you sit through advertisements. Does anyone else think there’s something wrong with that? This might call for an email to the airline stating my position.

2 What people are saying:

Blogger guesswhat.karma rambles...

hey, you got as close as the same time zone. i can accept that for now. doesn't mean i don't miss the hell out of you though. can't wait for you to come see the new pad-a-licious!

P.S. listening to Imogen Heap- I am in Love With You. good song. catchy. *mwah*

1/25/2008 05:20:00 PM

Blogger Retro Girl rambles...

Sounds like you and your pal have a lot to think about. I've kinda been there before...the apathy that sets in...(right around the time of my divorce from my ex husband....god that still sounds so "foreign" to I never thought I'd have an Ex or be married a 2nd time!! Anyway...I'm glad I did/am! I'm way happier now).

Sometimes you can't rush major decisions....sometimes you have to 'evolve' and your feelings have to evolve or develop over time, I think. It took me 5 years to really go through the growing process and decision process to deciding to leave home, and my ex.
I'm sure it won't take this long for you with your job....but maybe your friend has been "deciding" for longer than she realizes....

I wish you both peace during your decision process...don't stress...I think eventually, we all end up right where we should be. Just give it the time, till after the wedding, as you mentioned....

And Yes---I hate having advertisements forced upon me...In bathroom stalls, on planes, and in movies! When did they start advertising TV shows before a movie?! That's weird and annoying.

1/25/2008 05:35:00 PM


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