Tidbits

Confessions of a new mom:

• I think my baby is cuter than your baby no matter what.
• Sometimes I look at him and I wonder if I can be a good mom and a "cool" mom at the same time.
• I know, without a doubt, that I would sacrifice my life for his in a heartbeat if I needed to.
• Contrary to popular belief, a mother doesn't love every last detail of her child - his poop is the nastiest substance I have ever come across.
• I wonder if I will ever get a chance at a full night's sleep again. If it happens I wonder if I'll be able to enjoy it.
• I look forward to the time when I can have a conversation with him, but I am apprehensive about not having all the answers to his questions.
• I have a small and silly fear that he will be smarter than me. I also hope that's the case, even though I won't like it much at first.
• I still cry on occasion because my body is not my own and won't be again until he's no longer breastfeeding. I mourn the loss of my individual self while I celebrate the arrival of my mother self.
• I get a kick out of picking his little nose when he's got a visible booger.
• I was relieved when the surgeon announced he was a boy at his birth because I thought a boy would be easier... I know how much of a pain in the ass I was as a girl and I dreaded a mini-me.
• I laugh often because his tiny feet smell like adult feet, just tiny.
• Matthew and I joke that he'll grow up to be our total opposite - a jock with no interest in art or literature... and we both secretly harbor a real fear that it might just happen.
• His eyes haven't set their color yet, but I hope they're green like my mom's.
• I want to have another child someday, but I don't know if I can love any other baby like I love this one.

So small and so big

(Photo courtesy of Justine Cooper Photography)

My son is small. He's tiny, in fact. He's perfectly normal size for his age, but perfectly normal for a 10 week old baby is quite small. His size makes me at once small and big. I've never felt smaller or bigger, in fact.

When he smiles at me I feel like a giant, as if I can conquer anything - invincible. I feel 20' tall and as strong as 10 men. He makes me feel bigger than I really am.

But, when I put him back to bed after nursing him in the wee hours of the night I look at him sleeping in his crib, breathing in and out, and I feel so small. I am humbled and awe struck, I feel even smaller than his tiny body in those moments.

I suppose this is parenthood - the big and the small of it all.

Wish me luck and cross your fingers for me

I'm going to look at an apartment tonight. Well, Jude and I are going to look at an apartment. It's only a block from our place now and it's got a brand new kitchen! It has a dishwasher! A dishwasher, people. Theoretically I could have a dishwasher that's not named Matthew.

It's $200 more per month than our current place, but the kitchen is totally renovated and it's a 2 bedroom. We're in a 1 bedroom now and it works, but how much longer will it work with all 3 of us in the same room? TMI Alert: I love being that close to Jude, but Mommy & Daddy are adults in an adult relationship. It's kind of hard to get into things when you know there's a baby in that crib 5 feet from your bed... if you catch my drift. This kidlet has been around for almost 10 weeks now. Mommy needs some lovin' and the day shift hasn't been working lately.

Another bonus: the bldg has 4 units and each tenant has a dog! The owner was super nice on the phone, so I am really hoping this is the place for us. It would be a HUGE weight off my mind.

So, send some love my way and cross those fingers for me.

And this is why you shouldn't run red lights.

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This is why you shouldn't speed.

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Friends are good things to have

Jude has a buddy. That's him on the left. They just happened to match the other day. Freaking cute, right?

It's good to have friends. They're invaluable. They keep you sane when things swirl around. They make you laugh when you're blue. They keep you company when you're lonely. They prop you up when you're too tired to stand. Friends are crucial.

I miss my friends these days. They're not gone. I'm not gone. Things are just different, that's all. I think I don't get as many phone calls and hangouts because people don't know how to incorporate Melissa The Mom into social gatherings. Melissa The Mom is different. She has a kid. Does the baby come along? Does she need to make sure Matthew is home to watch the baby? Can they both come? Do they have a sitter? Does she even want to hang out since she's on baby duty and breastfeeding demands a pretty tight schedule? How do I relate to her now that she's a parent? What can I talk to her about besides the baby?

I think these are all valid questions, but I wish there could be a dialogue about them instead of this open-ended hiatus. The questions don't get asked and I feel strange calling people up and saying, "Hi, I think you might think I can't hang out or maybe I don't want to, but that's not the case." I'd love to go get a cup of coffee or catch a movie. I just need to plan a little more for it now. As long as I can either bring Jude or make sure there is enough pumped breastmilk in the fridge being social is no hassle. It's just different. Like everything else. Things are different.

Friends are good things to have. I miss mine.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to... oh damnit

I start back to work a week from today. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I am less than thrilled about it, to say the least. I'm trying to be positive, but it's hard. It feels completely wrong to be leaving my 2 month old baby to go sit in a cubicle. Luckily, I was able to negotiate a schedule where I work partially from home, which eases the blow, but doesn't keep me from taking the brunt of the hit. At least there's that.

What's stressing me out also is that we found out this weekend we have to move. Our landlord needs our apartment for her mother (father passed away, mom can't live alone, very sad story) and we need to find another place to live. We have a good amount of time - our lease isn't up until December - but the sooner, the better for all parties involved. We absolutely adore our home - it's not just some random apartment, this is our home and has been for 3 years now.

We're going to meet a broker this afternoon and see a few places, but my hopes are not high. I need to get into a better frame of mind and I need to do it quickly. My attitude right now feels terrible and I really want to shake this negativity.

One last thing - I stupidly ate alfredo sauce last night and Jude has a cow's milk allergy. I can't believe I ate it and didn't even think about the cream in it. So stupid! No wonder the poor thing was up every hour last night. He must have felt awful! Nothing like realizing you're the cause of your child's discomfort. Way to go, momma. Sheesh.

Couldn't help myself

What fun is being a parent if you can't mildly torture your child now and then?

He hates these right now... but maybe when the sun comes out he'll gain a new appreciation for them. Kind of pointless to try them on him inside... in the evening... when it was raining.

Matthew and I had a huge argument tonight. So stupid. We're both too tired and a bit raw, we really should know better. Everything is fine, but we both yelled and it felt terrible. Kissing and making up is wonderful, though.

Jude loves his new pal - the light up sea horse. Mom loves that it helps this fussy boy fall asleep.

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Please Keep Birth Centers Open!

THIS is an important petition to keep birth centers open. Medicaid no longer covers births in birth centers - only in hospitals. This means that birth centers have to make up the lost revenue from Medicaid births elsewhere... and many have closed since they are unable to find money where none exists. This leaves women in many communities with little choice about the place of their births and the quality of their birth experience.

*thud* That's me stepping off my soap box. I'll gladly get back up on it if anyone wants more information, though.